My Introverted Love Creed: If We Can’t Be Magnificent and Independent Together I’m OK Alone

It seems I’m most alive when I’m dancing on the fringe of a relationship, either almost disentangled or almost entangled.  That space where I can taste freedom or I can taste enchantment is where I am creative, brave and generous. It’s where ideas flow and my smile is the most genuine.

You see, I have a delicious longing for freedom AND love and I can wait to find a mate who embodies both.

Trapped: Love Without Freedom 

But inside me there was the sense of oppression that had almost the sense of a nightmare, that I was not free: that I must be with him, could not strike out, go where I pleased, but he would be there always, and I would have to listen to him and could never act as one, alone and debonair. 

~ Brenda Ueland, Me

I’ve felt trapped in relationships.  I’ve felt like the sky’s the limit in others. The especially clingingtoback2trappy relationships were with individuals who had not found their own light. They were looking for it in me. There are times when one lover leans on the other for support and inspiration.  This is expected, but not the definition of love. To me, true love is two people coming together with their own sufficient lights and using those lights to illuminate relationships (theirs and others), passions and experiences.

Freedom fuels me. As an introvert, I am highly conscious of my energy.  I sense when it is waning due to too many individuals drawing from my attention pool.

 Introverts love specifically and individually according to Nancy Okerlund’s Introvert Energizer newsletter. Our energy is easily tapped out by socializing. We give deep listening and mental energy to the people in our lives. If we are not filled up (with ideas, meaning, creativity) simultaneously as we give, then we crave freedom and space. We feel drained. Time alone to be debonair or simply recharge is vital. Introverts are not afraid of solitude.

As mentioned in, Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much), many introverts want and have  great relationships, but most of us prefer no relationship to an unfulfilling one. 

Sorry I’m Not Available. I’m Committed to Myself.

…coming out means taking responsibility for your own happiness and recognizing that no other person will hold the key to all your future joy.  It’s the opposite of debutante-style coming out.  Instead of announcing yourself as available to everyone, you announce that you are committed to yourself and available to individuals of your choosing.  ~Sasha Cagen, Quirkyalone

england-fashion-girl-light-loveiscolorful-woman-Favim.com-95742

Committed to myself and individuals of my choosing.  This is where I am now.  I have a strong sense of independence.  I have dreams to spearhead and love to release judiciously and meaningfully. I know others cannot make me happy.  I cannot complete them either.  Completion is personal. It comes from finding your gift and giving it to others.  It originates within you and flows outwardly to others. It has to flow outwardly. It cannot be taken or you will be depleted.

Independent Together

Is it possible to be alive and thrive within couplehood?

 I am a sensual romantic who believes in the miracle relationship.  The one where the universe conspires and collides as two people unite through faceted, breathtaking conversations, sensuous physical chemistry and a desire to benefit the world. The kind of relationship where meaning and passions are discovered and encouraged.

I’m realistic. I know everyday work and struggles are going to challenge the relationship but I also believe two awake individuals won’t pull each other down with need.  Senses on coupleindoorwayfire, they will stand side by side, shoulder to shoulder  — gazing at the horizon rather than looking solely at each other for comfort and happiness.

When I fall in love, truly, if I’m lucky enough to do so, that love will help me, and I will help her, to face outward, not merely inward. ~ Waylon Lewis, elephant journal

What I desire is a partner in spaciousness and until I find him, I’m content alone.

Are you content on your own? Do you hold out for extraordinary in a relationship? Does your partner need you or give you wings?

If you loved My Introvert Creed then you may also enjoy:

Love is Selfish (elephant journal)

Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live)

The Introvert’s Love Affair with Solitude: Will It Always Be Taboo? (space2live)

So Your Love Isn’t Shiny and New Anymore, Now What?(space2live)

Sensual Rennaissance: The Rise of Affection and Touch (space2live)

Seductive Security: Living Without the Protective Embrace of a Committed Relationship (space2live)

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26 thoughts on “My Introverted Love Creed: If We Can’t Be Magnificent and Independent Together I’m OK Alone

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  5. I am in love with an introvert, and I am trying my best to understand and meet her needs. I really appreciate your thoughts because they give me little glimpses into the world of an introvert, and the more I learn on the outside without having to invade her space, the better. The Love Creed gave me pause, however, because it is consistent with your other posts about the introvert’s desires for space and understanding, but it goes a step further in describing the delicate balance between the desire for independence and the desire for a loving relationship. I guess I’m an extrovert, but I don’t need anyone to complete me. I have found my own light, and I don’t need my mate to support me. In fact, I feel quite the opposite – and I strive to be be steady on the helm so my partner knows I am always there for her. We have discussed some of the issues you wrote about – specifically the definition of love and facing outward together. I am doubtful, however, about the success of a relationship where one or both partners strive to preserve the independence they experienced prior to being involved with their mate. I think that two light-bearing individuals can experience the “miracle relationship” if they each embrace and nurture the unique power that is the fruit of intimacy and interdependence. Being on the fringe of a relationship may be energizing for extroverts as well. I enjoyed being on the fringe of a lot of relationships, but I eventually realized that I hurt a lot of people doing that, and I didn’t get to experience the deep spiritual bond that requires a willingness to transcend individual freedom at times. Keeping a line-of-sight on the unlocked gate can be just as limiting as being trapped gazing into each others eyes. I may be quite mistaken and ignorant about this, but I feel more comfortable with a semantic turn of the creed, “I’m ok alone, but I think that we can be magnificent if we work together.”

    • The Universe is funny sometimes Scott. The point you make in your comment is something I am pondering (struggling with?) right now. Specifically, how much individual independence can a relationship support without negating the relationship? I still believe we each hold our own separate light, we will always need time in solitude and we each have our own passions or causes but I am leaning towards the possibility of an exponentially more magnificent existence if we allow interdependence to thrive. There is something about knowing you have a partner there for you (and you for them) that gives your wings even more lift. To me, at this point in my life, this is what I mean by “miracle relationship”. That deep spiritual intimacy where you blend breaths and love. There is a certain amount of weaving your lives together (practically and spiritually) that creates a sacred trust necessary in full intimacy. You have to trust your partner has good intentions and you have to know that he or she is going to hurt or disappoint you along the way. Working through the hurt when it arises is part of the deal. Keeping an unlocked gate in sight weakens that bond.
      When I wrote “Magnificent Love Creed” in March of 2013, I was just entering a relationship. I hadn’t truly experienced the miracle relationship yet but that man (an extrovert with a lot of introvert tendencies) was about to change that. He made me feel like interdependence was doable and beautiful. Intimacy of every kind flourished between us. Then he broke my heart. He made a dash for the unlocked gate. Usually, I was the one dashing, so this was new for me and frankly rocked my world. The gift from that relationship was that I now knew I could love someone enough to want to weave my life with theirs and that I wouldn’t lose myself doing so. We both grew a lot during our 7 months together and have continued to grow. We remain in contact.
      I don’t want to stay on the fringe of a relationship. I want to jump in… and I’m an introvert. I still believe standing shoulder to should looking out in the same direction is a better fit for me than facing inward gazing into each other’s eyes because I have so many ideas/non-intimate relationships/callings on the horizon, but I do see me holding hands with someone and turning inward often.
      Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful comment. I needed to see it through someone else’s eyes. I hope you and your love find that magnificent balance.

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    • I believe it’s our nature to want to connect with others in some fashion. I need space to recharge but people to share and connect with. I like to be alone just long enough that I crave other people. An evening or day to myself is usually enough to do the trick, then I want to be with someone, preferably in a one on one or small group situation.
      Thanks for your comment.:)

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  10. I have a little hitch in my introversion. As one with bipolar disorder, I often feel bombarded in groups. The overstimulation jangles my illness and can trigger my episodes. I want very much to be an active part of my community, family and friends, but can’t extend myself consistently or for very long.

    I was married for 24 years to another introvert, which suited us for a long time. But I was the one who made most of the decisions, was the motivator and driving force in our lives. As my illness progressed (I was undiagnosed at the time), I felt very alone and overwhelmed. My spouse was also overwhelmed by what was happening to me, and we spun in our individual circles instead of working together.

    I guess I’ve always longed for what Alanis Morrissette sings about, someone who will “see all my light and love my dark.”

    • I have a half-finished post in my wordpress queue about the light and the dark side of each of us. Maybe I’ll dust that off.;)

      You have a lot to say Sandy Sue. I want to ponder your comment and get back to you.

    • I’ve read that two introverts together as a couple may hold each other back – as in not making decisions or venturing out to socialize and explore. I’m not sure. I like the idea of being with someone who understands my temperament but I can see where you might both go internal and not work together. I would think it would be exhausting to make all the decisions and be the motivator all the time. That would take lots of energy.

      How do you feel in small groups or in one on one conversations? Is there a calm quiet place to volunteer that would keep you connected but not triggered? Like the library or a women’s center?

      I bet you have a lot of light to share.:) Way more light than dark. Thank you for your honesty and thoughtful comments. I enjoy your perspective.

  11. Dear Brenna,
    Over the last year and half I have been blessed with acceptance by two introverts in my life. Very gradually, in stages, they have allowed me in to one of their inner circles. One is related to me, the other is a friend and mentor. I am acutely aware and mark the moment of each choice they make to turn and reveal a part of themselves to me. As an ENFJ who is also an only child I am an ambivert. The Giver personality in MBTI. I see their gifts and yours too and I am often blinded by the insight, beauty and grace revealed to me.

    Thank you, I have found a part of myself through your world view and theirs. I can now embrace a part of myself that can be restored in quiet and solitude.

    PsycheAwoken

    • Thank you for your beautiful way of expressing the gifts of introversion. Your friends and family are very fortunate to have such an open soul in their midst. They must feel free in your presence.

      I can think of nothing more satisfying than hearing someone found a part of themselves through my writing/work/words, so thank you for your comment. I am thrilled you have embraced a sacred important part of yourself through your connections with introspectives.

      Thank you for sharing. I truly appreciate hearing the ambivert perspective.

  12. YES, yes, YeS…to this: What I desire is a partner in spaciousness and until I find him, I’m content alone.”
    I think though what I fear the most is that I have become too content alone, and terribly enamored with the freedom that gives me :/

    • Don’t fear your freedom and debonairness.;) Be your best self and see if anyone else magnificent shows up. It’s more than OK to be content alone. Very few people are content period. Thanks for reading and commenting and joining me on this fascinating ride of independence and spaciousness.

    • I love hearing about your stepmom experiences. As a divorced introverted woman tentatively out in the dating scene I am acutely aware of the change and energy bringing more children and a partner into my life may bring. My energy is already quite spoken for by my own 3 children.

      I know it’s difficult to assimilate into a biological family (your recent post made this even more clear). I can imagine it’s even trickier when you desire swaths of solitude. I can relate completely. You’re not alone in your feelings. Thanks for reading and sharing. I truly do love getting your perspective.

      • Your kind words mean the world to me. You helped me understand I am not crazy. I love engaging with my family, but I need to recharge. Also, as you point out, introverts are very aware of energy. I can feel immediately drained by someone’s distorted energy. And, it is difficult. Your words help me understand that my approach and my way of being are not necesarily”wrong” (I can sometimes feel that..) thanks!

      • I know I’ve felt “wrong” many times but that’s because I let other’s viewpoints taint my own. Not wrong just different. I hope to use space2live as a vehicle to dispel the belief that introverted traits are not as good as extroverted traits.
        You are definitely not crazy! You are lovely.:)

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