One of the gifts of introversion is that we have to be discriminating about our relationships. We know we only have so much energy for reaching out; if we’re going to invest, we want it to be good.
~ Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power
Often this gift of discriminating taste feels more like a burden than a gift. I am acutely aware of my limited energy. Quite honestly most of my energy goes to raising my children. What energy I have left I use to nurture friendships, connect with extended family and date.
The truth is we (introverts) have to be selective about all of our relationships. Unlike extroverts we recharge from within. Socializing with lots of people (although enjoyable) can drain us. Extroverts get energy from social interactions and external stimulation.
Over the last few years I have learned to pause and gauge how I feel with different people. Do I feel excited, energized, light? Or do I feel anxious, depleted, heavy? The more uplifting a person’s company the more time I can spend with them and the more of myself I can give.
How to Attract and Hold an Introvert’s Heart
What makes a partner’s personality uplifting and generative? Intimacy. Introverts are not into small talk. We want to share emotions, feelings and ideas. Not just any emotions or feelings or ideas – meaningful ones.
Physical intimacy can be energizing as well – provided it is passionate and not obligatory. Sensuality starts with the external but blooms within. Anything that heightens or encourages a positive internal experience is appealing to an introvert.
Humor in a relationship goes a long way too. It’s both a physical and emotional boon.
The key to a relationship with an introvert? It must feel effortless. So full of desire and attraction that the work naturally required in any relationship is done without thinking. Relationships with obligations and agendas forefront must be forged. Relationships with desire and passion up front must be expressed. Forging a relationship takes up much precious energy. Introverts generate energy from within by reflecting on ideas, thoughts, impressions and feelings. If we find someone desirable who can share what swirls within their interior then synergy occurs. We expand and are left energized rather than depleted.
Carl Jung said we choose partners to expand who we are.
Speaking for Myself…
Neediness is my dating kryptonite. If I sense that someone needs their hand held constantly or is a possessive type, I run like the wind. That kind of relationship requires a lot of external attention, which no matter how exciting at first, ends up being a drain.
Constant drama and complaining will also leave me as lifeless as a forgotten doll. Deep empathy is another trait of introverts. If you have problems/pain in your life, I will feel for you intensely. I will want to help/show you light, which is all fine and good until I find myself in the dark with nothing left to give.
One of life’s greatest pleasures is the anticipation of pleasure.
~ unknown
I love love. Who doesn’t? I dream easily of romantic scenarios. Conversations and 
canoodling for hours. Nights of lights in the city, simple bedrooms in country farmhouses. I’m most definitely a hopeful romantic.
I both get lost and feel at home in love songs.
The Space Between
I read somewhere that it’s the space between times with a special person that encourages an introvert to fall in love. Their internal replays and daydreams are so pleasure rich that the relationship is enhanced.
I’ve had internal imagination backfire on me as well. Before a first date I naturally imagine a perfect vision of the man himself and the date. When a date does not live up to my imagination? Disheartening disappointment.
Many of us (introverts) want and have great relationships, but we generally prefer no relationship to a bad one.
~ Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power
It’s not always easy to find a partner who understands an introvert’s need for downtime. Most recently, a gentlemen who I had been talking to over the phone and corresponding with online told me that we would probably make better friends than partners. He said my independence may not work for him. He wants someone to witness experiences with him. I’m not exactly sure what he meant, but in truth I think I am one of the best people to witness experiences with. I pay attention and revel in awe over the simplest things. I believe he meant he needed MORE shared experiences. Quantity AND quality. I admired him for speaking honestly and after that our conversation relaxed. I had been holding my breath wondering if I could keep up with the amount of attention he extended and expected.
That’s something I worry about – keeping up with the other person’s affection. What if they text, call or write me ten times a day? Do I have to reciprocate the same amount? Will that become old and exhausting? Another reason to be discriminating when dating.
Solitude an Option?
If we are going to put ourselves out there it has to be magnificent. Better than solitude. Solitude is always an option for introverts. We use time to ourselves to renew. Of course, during solitude it is completely possible that romantic daydreams surface sending us out again to find something very very good.
What kind of lover feeds you rather than drains you? Have you been fortunate enough to experience energizing love? Are you in an expansive relationship now?
Related articles
- There’s Nothing Wrong With You. You’re an Introvert. (space2live)
- Keeping Up with The Pace of Extrovert Partners (niconica.wordpress.com)
- 3 Elements of Exquisite Sex and Divine Writing (space2live)
- Are You Someone’s Priority? Do You Need to Be? (space2ive)
- Seductive Security: Living Without the Protective Embrace of a Committed Relationship (space2live)
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I only knew yesterday that introverts have special needs. I thought that there must be something wrong w/ me why I am not like others. You said that introverts form deep relationships; well, I do occasionally. For several years now, the closest relationship I have is w/ an extrovert friend who I have been in love with for several years, w/o anything being said on this between us. Contrary to what you said about needing space, I dont have such compunction w/ people I love. I am most happy in his presence. I jaz withdraw when he hurts me or has shaken my self perception, or when I am jealous and insecure, coz I couldnt tell him that I love him. I think, and others do too, that he does not feel the same about me, coz we’ve been hanging out as friends for several years now. In fact, i feel that our friendship has deteriorated from being very close, going out/being out often to seeing ea other once a week though we work in the same bldg. I feel that I should definitely move on (I have difficulty you see coz I couldnt seem to get over him though I tried several times), coz I couldnt imagine it working between us bec he does not feel the same and I am so tired of my situation. I honestly dont think I can really find anyone who could really love me the way I am.
Introverts are generally better at forming longterm meaningful relationships than making 100s of light friendships or acquaintances. Do you believe you are an introvert? Where do you get energy? In solitude or from social interaction? Introverts are not necessarily anti-social. We just prefer selective socializing usually in small groups or one on one.
I don’t need as much space when I am with people who fuel me – i.e. have similar passions, know how to go deeply into conversations, are good listeners.
Only you can make yourself happy. Look inward (which should be easy for an introvert because we have rich inner worlds) and see your own light. You are absolutely lovable the way you are. See my post, There’s Nothing Wrong with You. You’re an Introvert, for a list of all the gifts an introvert has to offer.
Best of luck moving forward from this day on. You are obviously introspective and considerate. Pay attention to where you feel your best. Follow that energy.:)
Such a great blog! Thank you. Only recently realising I am an introvert, after many many years of “I don’t fit in” or am “just socially awkward” and general introspection. My husband and all my (2) close friends are extrovert, and they understand how I operate which coupled with my politeness, empathy and the fact that I work from home, alone, in silence, means it works out well. Mostly.
I have recently been forging a friendship with another who is more introverted than me and found that I am craving time with them – we seem to understand each other, we don’t fight for domination of the conversation, we can both open up, him more than me. And we can just be. I am now finding that I am the one chasing them for contact! It is all by text, no phone calls as he wouldn’t pick up, but then again neither would I usually! But I am finding it difficult to back off.
I know that sometimes I need a nudge. I have told my other friends to please keep inviting me and contacting me. If I decline it is not personal it is just that I can’t be around others at that time. So I have adopted the same approach with this other friend, never pressuring him, just the odd invite to catch up. However most of the time I don’t even get a reply, period, other than when we do see each other – usually because he has phoned me – then he will say “oh I got your text 2 weeks ago”. But I do find it tough, to have found a friend who is like me, that doesn’t drain me. I seem to have latched on! I need to remember who I am and then appreciate he is more introverted. Omg, it must be so tough for extroverts to care for us sometimes!! Hats off to those that do.
I had a very similar experience. I finally found someone who did not drain me and actually fed me in a way that no one else ever had but he needed space more than I do (and that’s saying something;). My introverted ideal companion had many emotionally meaningful relationships so I sometimes had to wait my turn. He was not extroverted and outwardly social but he drew people to him with his way of being. I felt very at home and relaxed with him and so did others. In between one-on-one conversations he spent a lot of time alone.
I understand your desire for more time/attention/interaction with this person. It’s very nourishing. Ultimately, I decided to just be grateful that person existed and that we could connect as deeply as we did. He is still my friend and I met a few other very cool people through him. I still consider him to be one of the people who knows me the best.
Cherish the relationship you have. And yes, I can see where extroverts could get frustrated with us innies and our penchant for alone time.
Thank you so much for sharing. It brought back some memories for me. I’m thrilled you found someone who gives you the freedom to “just be”.
Thank you brennagee! A little distance and perspective is great to stop the spiral sometimes and actually notice and cherish what you do have.
What a wonderful find! Thank you for the comments and insights. I am an extravert (small e) dating an introvert for the first time in my 54 years on this blue marble. I am intrigued, baffled, warmed, puzzled, surprised and dozens of other verbs by my introvert. We went to HS together but don’t remember each other and connected via an online dating site. We hit it off immediately – he is a gentle, soft, philosophical soul that has been hurt immensely. I am a gentle, soft, philosophical soul that has been hurt immensely.
Being an empath, I’ve conceded the ‘driving’ to him as I understand our differences and his need for space. I’m very independent and he is quite happy about that. It took 3 months to elevate our relationship to a physical, intimate level but it is pure bliss. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a spiritual physical relationship.
To be honest I find it hard to deal with the lack of a ‘regular’ once or twice a week presence in each others’ lives. He is moving 7 miles away from me this coming week so I hope the contact will be a bit more frequent. I am also of the mindset that no matter how close the relationship, I would like to maintain a separate residence. I have friends in that situation and it is desireable for me and for my beau. Our relationship is taking more time to get off the ground than my others but because it’s so different I am willing to invest the time and effort. It is a challenge for this extravert – I will not lie. I am not a demanding, dramatic, intrusive person but I crave a bit more physical presence. I have needs too and hopefully we can strike a balance. I feel he is worth my time and effort. I have never met anyone like him and am completely smitten. He’s expressed to me that no woman in his life has ever made him feel so in touch with his masculinity as I have.
Crossing my fingers…. thank you again for the invaluable advice.
Hurray for you and your beau!! You sound like you enjoy each other immensely. In my short (one year) post-divorce dating experience I have found that it is most gratifying when you take it slow. Savor every nuance and new observation. You will learn from your introvert and he from you. I’m sure he does appreciate that you are independent. I have found that a key attribute. Revel in your intimacy. Good things are worth waiting for and worth the effort.
I know it is difficult for e’s to be away from their i’s. I hear from extroverted readers all the time how hard it is to give their space-loving partners time away. Focus on the high quality relationship you have when you are together. See if you can be alone-together (in the same space but doing different activities). Sometimes that works if the extrovert can give the introvert uninterrupted time.
Best of luck! Thank you for sharing your wonderful relationship. You sound like two lovely people. Have fun reveling in each other.:)
Run don’t walk. He will never work on being more present. This is how they are. He is interested now, but in 2,3,5 yeatrs he will loose interest in being communicative and sexual. I was were you are and because I was so in love I thought I would change him a little. Wrong! They love differently than we do. We will need a little more than they can offer and at that point they will say ” Take me as I am or leave me”. They refuse to maybe seek help to be able to give more and by more I mean 10% more than what they’re giving. My introvert told me that I saved his life and that I made him the happiest men alive.
At the beginning he will come out of his comfort zone and do amazing things with you. That is because of the “in love factor” but when that dies down a little he will change. You will be in pain! Better to look for someone more compatible. I would do things differently knowing what I know now. We are married, we are still together but it is very complicated… If I could go back in time, I would and believe me I would not be married now…
This is my two cents.
Thanks Daydreamer. Well with my ‘luck’ or lack thereof with previous relationships – even my 20+ year marriage, I am trying the opposite of what I normally do. With this person my gut is completely calm. Also in the past my gut was churning, even with the extravert (Uppercase E) that pursued me aggressively and promised me the moon. My beau is an attorney and has a voice. He is into many of the metaphysical pursuits that I am as well. I have never been with a man this ‘different’ and it intrigues me right now.
That said – my needs have to be met as it’s a two way street. I’ve been reading on some introvert blogs that we extraverts (well I’m really an ambivert) mindlessly chatter, never stop talking, are exhausting. That is an unfair stereotype. I am a very giving, kind, private, compassionate and passionate person. I need more of a physical presence than he’s been able to give – he just bought a home and the process was ridiculously complicated. Now that he’s in his new home and 8 miles away instead of 40 I expect weekly visits and to have the frequency of those visits increase over time. I have a wide circle of friends and activities and will not give them up for anyone. He appreciates my independence. But I cannot live on ideas and talk of the future. I’m going to be 55 in a few weeks and do not have the luxury of being 40. I want a partner that I can share my life with. I am willing to give this a few more months but if my needs are not being met I’ll have to make some decisions. My ex-husband was a depressive/borderline and my life was miserable and numb. My current beau and I connected on an emotional level – something I’ve never had but some adjustments need to be made in other realms.
I will consider your advice and thank you very much for your input.
Hello again Daydreamer – well it winds up that the introvert is no different than the extroverts in the romance dept. If men (of any personality type) don’t want to be in relationships than why do they pursue you and declare that you are the love of their life? Oh well… being an extrovert I bounce back easily. I guess there’s a reason why my ex-beau (who I had to cut loose because he didn’t have the stones) is still a bachelor after 13 years. Hope he’s happy with his new home and his 2 puppies that will anchor him safely in his anti-social cocoon. Yes I’m angry but it’s because my time was wasted and I could have been out having fun and meeting people instead of waiting around for a frail, delicate flower to gain his strength back and make a decision.
I got engaged to my cousin 3 months ago, and life has not been the same since. Every day I think of a thousand ways of how to end this relationship. It seems to me that everyone related, including my parents and my fiance’s family, are overjoyed at this union. Me, it has made me delve deeper in to depression and has left me incapable of having any sort of happy thoughts for a considerable period of time. It’s not that I hate him or anything, I just don’t want to have a relationship and marriage seems like hell, or worse, to me. Up till the moment that I read up on ‘Introversion’, I thought that my mom was right when she said that I have a serious problem because I don’t like being with people and sharing. Everyone had me convinced that I am arrogant, rude and just plain crazy for wanting too much solitude and having the time of time locked up in my room. Now I know that I’m not abnormal and I don’t need to be institutionalized. I love, love love being on my own. And the fact that I have a history of disastrous relationships, which I always thought were because of me because I’m the common denominator, has always added to the fact that people perceive me as weird. I studied Medicine for 5 years because my father wanted me to become a doctor. And I got through it by the grace of God. And I had this dream of being by myself and doing things for myself after I got over with Medicine. And lo and behold, my parents got me engaged. Now I feel like I’m constantly depressed and chronically thinking of ways to run away and be a fugitive. Recently, I even concocted a story in which my fiance got lost in some far off land and was declared dead because he was missing for a really long time, and thus I did not have to get married to him. The smallest and most innocent demands from either my fiance or my in laws renders me on the verge of panic attacks and I end up shutting myself in my room for hours on end. My fiance and I thankfully don’t share time zones so I don’t have to talk to him that much. My heart starts racing when he calls and the only way I get through an online chat is by plugging my ears with songs while I”m chatting with him. I really don’t want to get married, but I feel like I really don’t have a choice. How do I control my introversion and is that even possible? I’m extremely scared of the life that lies ahead.
Wow, I feel your anxiety and stress in your words. You are in a very difficult situation. I am not a doctor or expert on psychological conditions. I can only speak from my own experience. I saw that you have a blog and use it to express your side of the story. Writing can be very therapeutic so I am glad you found that outlet. Have you ever talked to a therapist of any kind? Your depression and panic attacks are serious signs that you may not be able to do this on your own. I know towards the end of my marriage I found myself with the same symptoms you have. I did work my way out of and through them. I went to counseling and tried more non-traditional therapy. Art and writing therapy are wonderful ways to absolve anxiety.
I do think you may benefit greatly from time away. You need space (outside of the house) to mend frayed nerves.
Do you have relationships that give you energy and make you feel content? Nurture those.
I also think you may want to check out Elaine Aron’s books on Highly Sensitive people. I have read them all. I am highly sensitive. You may be too.
Introversion isn’t something you need to control. It has gifts and drawbacks but for the most part it is just different from extroversion in that energy is derived internally and from solitude. I hope you come to see the beautiful traits of introversion (good listeners, appreciate beauty, good advisors, rich inner life, empathic, able to concentrate for long periods, etc.).
Best of luck to you. Find your peace. Don’t be afraid to seek help from friends, therapists, family.
Thank you for your brave and honest sharing.
I Love to write. And yes, this blog has been my one source of true and pure happiness when everything else seems turned on it’s head. Unfortunately I live in a society carrying really heavy taboos when it comes to therapy and counselling. These things are considered as a leisurely activity for the rich and mighty. Acceptance of personality issues and problems is a rarity. Thankfully I do have a friend, just the one, in whom I can confide and she has helped me and I cherish my relationship with her! Reading through your blog is such an eye opener and it certainly made me feel less ‘alone’. Hopefully I can, and more importantly, others can find ways to appreciate my introvert self!
I understand the cultural taboo of counseling. I’m thankful here in the U.S. it is a more accepted practice, although no one is exactly shouting at the top of their lungs if their mental health is wavering or troubling them. Embrace your close relationship with your friend. Community was a key component for me to find my bearings and go forward with confidence. I’m glad you feel a sense of belonging here at space2live. You are definitely not alone.:)
I see a lot of comments on here where the girl is extroverted and the guy is introverted. In my case, it’s the opposite, gender-wise. I am a HSP-Extrovert, and so down time is not surprising to me. But there are times where she needs to be alone, and my heart is wanting her presence. Those times are very hard. I do my best to not be demanding of her time, because the last thing I want to do is drive her away. She is such an amazing gal, and our personalities, interests, values, etc. mesh so well. I mean, her and I aren’t engaged to be married for nothing.
Perhaps some counsel on those times when she needs to reflect by herself, and my heart desires her company what I can do to feel a bit better. During those times, I feel lonely and depressed. When we’re both “being alone together,” there is no problem, and I find a lot of joy in my own creative (musical) pursuits. The times where she needs alone time, and I am wanting her around are few and far between…I suppose one could say I’m being overly sensitive about all this, but I am a highly sensitive person, after all.
Any counsel?
First, I want to say your HSP traits are serving you and your fiancé well. You seem very in tune with your feelings and her need for alone time. You express yourself well so I’m sure the communication between you two is excellent. So important.
Secondly, I want to say that you should not take her craving for space personally. I know when I need solitude I don’t want anyone even in the house. In another room is not good enough. I recently heard a radio DJ (very social job) say the same thing. That said, I’m glad you guys thrive in “alone together” time.
I know Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power, said that her extrovert husband said it’s like she takes away a light when she pulls away from him and needs time alone. I love that you have other passions, music, to keep your heart and soul engaged. I think creating something helps fill everyone up. I know it’s not the same as a partner but it’s a worthwhile endeavor nonetheless. Is there some good you could do in the world? Someone you could help while your fiance is soaking up her internal world? Do you have close friends to turn to for listening and fun? I would think the worst thing you could do would be to be idle and stew in the emptiness you feel without her present. If your girlfriend is like me, she will appreciate not having to be the one to make you happy. She will want you to be full and complete on your own and ready to share all your awesomeness with her when she is full as well (solitude required for that).
I’m sorry I don’t have beautifully perfected answers. Maybe you could help me by telling me what seems to work best when you are missing your fiancé. What keeps the loneliness at bay?
Thank you so much for sharing. It easier for us introverts to empathize with extroverts if we hear the other perspective.
It’s not something I should take personally, yes, you are right. Of that I am aware, and wish very much to not do so. As I mentioned, it doesn’t happen often–very occasionally–and those few times it does, it’s no fun. As for keeping the loneliness at bay, my brother and his wife (who is a really good friend of mine, like a little sister) are close contacts that I can reach immediately. However, both are busy (he with schooling and she with working), and I don’t know many others on a “close friend” basis up here. I, myself, am getting ready to start a career in opera singing, and so I may be away from them awhile. My fiancé and I have no problems with distance, and it wouldn’t be too far, anyway. We’ve been together long enough that to be apart now wouldn’t spell doom on the relationship, especially for the few months of the opera season.
Anyway, you didn’t ask me questions to hear about my career exploits.
So what does keep the loneliness at bay? I am still trying to figure that one out. The remainder of this reply might be a bit long, but I’ll try to keep it brief as I can. I think it is important that you understand a bit of my background so that you get a clearer view as to who I am now. I pray that this doesn’t come off as too strange. In 2006, I went to serve a mission for my church. 8 months into it, I somehow developed symptoms of bipolar and schizoaffective disorder, or some mix of the two. Two years prior to the mission, I met my ex girlfriend (her and I were together for four years before she broke it off in 2008). Needless to say, I was thrown down into a huuuge funk where I was blown back to the mental capacities of a child who couldn’t take care of himself. From 2006 till early last year (2012), I was battling this thing. In 2008, my ex broke it off, going on a mission herself, and not wanting to deal with my illness anymore. Phew. That was devastating, whether it was well-meaning or not. I spiraled down and down until I wanted to end it all in 2009, but because of a very miraculous realization at the end of that year, I didn’t. I wouldn’t be here if not for that, I think. 
In the years after 2009, I improved greatly, moving from psychiatric meds to more natural stuff. By mid 2012, I was off all my old medications, had dropped over 100 lbs, and was mentally capable, more so than I had ever been.
Now, during all that time of trying to heal, especially after my ex left, I was wanting very much to date and find love again. Heh, funny how that works. It’s like thee proverbial kid who wants the cake now, but it’s still baking. At the end of 2012, I met my now-fiancé, and boy did we click and work magically together! As you guessed, our communication has been nothing short of flawless and easy, very open, honest, non-judgmental, non-accusatory. It’s a dream come true. Gosh, I dunno why I’m even griping over a few instances where she wants to be alone and my heart desires her presence!
But such is the case. So, now that you have a (brief) backstory, I’m thinking that it has been hard to “keep the loneliness at bay,” among other, littler psychological issues (that are definitely within my ability to overcome, just need to figure out exactly how now that my mind is free) because I only really just have been able to focus on some of these things when the symptoms of some pretty nasty mental/psychological disorders are no longer present. So the answer: I’m still trying to figure out what keeps it at bay. It’s a journey, to be sure, and it isn’t easy, but I can tell you that it is far preferable to where I was just a few years ago.
Because I live in a dorm with my roommates at this time, I could make their lives a bit better while my lovely fiancé is on her time, and it’s during a time where I desire her company (for, as I mentioned, most of the time, it’s not a big deal…it’s just those few times). I could, while they’re out at school, or at work, tidy up the living room/kitchen area. I’m sure they’d appreciate that. ^_^ Or I could continue to keep up on my vocal training (I’ve been singing with classical training for over nine years now), and prepare for my audition. I’m sure there are a number of things I could do. All I know is that no matter what, my love always returns with this huuuuge smile on her face from her alone time to throw her arms about my shoulders and greet my with the happiest eyes I’ve ever seen. I suppose the only other thing besides that would be my own future children doing the same when I walk through the–that’d be the only other thing, I think, that’d give me so much joy.
It’s worth mentioning, though, that Esther tells me that often during her alone times, she thinks about me, about us, and “misses [her] Aaron,” as she says. She’ll text me periodically during those times, and on the days where I am feeling particularly lonely, one of those is like a gift from God.
I hope I have not digressed too much here. I hope you are able to gain some clearer insights and understanding into my world a bit. To sum up: because of the stressful lifestyle of the mission, and being HSP (which I had no idea of at the time), I began to develop over-methylation in the form of symptoms of bipolar/schizoaffective disorders, and took a few years to overcome that. A program was found where all that was re-balanced, and I am mentally healthy again. However, there are still some residual little “thorns” that have been with me since childhood, and so I’ve been trying to identify the triggers and reform the cognitive behaviors accordingly. Now that my mind is free to do so from the symptoms that caused me to regress, it’s easier than before, but still a challenge at times. And ongoing. Included in some of those “thorns” are the feelings of abandonment when my ex left five years ago. It was that bad… But it’s mending with Esther’s love and my own for myself.
So your question: “What keeps the loneliness at bay?” Well, I don’t know yet. I’m working on it though, and have made some serious progress. Usually confiding in others these most personal and serious things (as in with my sister-in-law and brother, etc.) has been helpful. And I’ve done my best to try and meet Esther’s needs, even though I don’t always understand.
Hope that helps, and that it’s not so long and drawn-out as to be an eyesore. ^^’
You have done some very hard work and you sound very healthy Aaron. You have a passion and close relationships outside of your relationship with Esther. I am especially glad that you know you have to have love for yourself. That will sustain you no matter what. Again, I’ll mention that your communication with your fiancé sounds refreshingly open and transparent. She feels free to express her need for space and you are honest about your mental health and desire to be with her. It seems that hitting bottom is often a precursor to clarity. You’ve learned much about yourself and connecting with others because of your struggles. Bravo! Use that knowledge for your benefit and others’.
Thank you so much for being so candid about your last seven years. Vulnerability opens doors. It gives others permission to be imperfect.
Keep doing what you’re doing! I’m fascinated by your career path. I imagine it’s a rich and beautiful field although competitive no doubt. You have an amazing personal story to draw from when you need strength and emotion.
All my best, Brenna
Thank you for the reply. ^_^ Going through hardship and rising from it again does provide clarity to life. Of course, there’s always a bit of baggage that resides, but that can be worked through, right? I spoke with my fiancé last night, and we had a meaningful conversation about each others’ needs. It is still astonishing how equally we love one another, and are willing to sacrifice for each other.
Bad or otherwise negative experiences can make or break folks, and I chose make. Even though part of my young life was lost as a result, I’m glad the lessons were learned earlier in my life, rather than later. I’m glad I found this article. It has been real helpful and informative about introverts and how to care for them. I love mine with all my heart. ^_^
A week ago my partner of just over 1 year and I had a rare argument it was out of the blue and we were both to blame, although he doesn’t see it that way, he’s blaming me entirely. he has gone quiet on me he doesn’t want to talk or contact me in any way, i am devastated as we had a really loving relationship right up to the argument. he has only just been able to admit he loves me after all this time. i don’t know how to get him back i am desperate to do so and him forgive me. i know he is still grieving for his mother who died this year. i have read this page and cant believe so much of it is exactly his personality type. what should i do now?, i’ve text and tried ringing and not surprisingly, having read this page, to no avail.
I am not a relationship expert but if I had to guess I would say he may need some space to process how he feels about you. The one year mark is a milestone. He may feel like this is time to consider exactly where your relationship is going. If his mind is full (mother’s death to process, your relationship, work, stress?), your argument may have been the last straw. He may need a breather to recharge. Your calls and texts have let him know you are still there. You could try emailing him. I prefer email to phone calls and texts sometimes – so I can read and respond at my own leisure. Emails feel less urgent and persistent too. Keep them brief.
Go softly with him. Don’t pepper him with requests for his attention. It could be overwhelming (even irritating) if he really needs time to think and recharge.
I hope all works out. Remember introverts like to have time to daydream about and miss the ones they love. It’s part of the fun – the anticipation of pleasure.
Thanks for reading and leaving a thoughtful comment.
Thank you so much, i’ll give him space and time to think about the special relationship we had. i’ll also send the occasional text to remind him i’m thinking about him. fingers crossed he’ll want to make amends in time.
I randomly stumbled upon your blog, and this post in particular has been really eye-opening, thank you! I’m a total Type A go-go-go extrovert, while my boyfriend’s pretty much exactly the type of introvert you describe. It’s certainly been challenging, but I’m learning a lot in the process. I need to talk everything through, particularly if it’s a (real or perceived) relationship issue; he recently told me that “if I don’t say anything [about XYZ], it means everything’s fine”. This is exquisite emotional torture for someone like me, really, because the line of reasoning I gravitate towards naturally is “he’s not talking – something’s wrong – he won’t tell me what’s wrong – it must concern me – there’s something wrong with me – he wants to end it”, whereas he’s just watching a movie by himself in his mancave. I’d love to read more on what I can do iron these wrinkles out – would you recommend any articles or books on the subject?
My best advice is to not take his need to be alone or not talk personally. Sometimes we just crave a lack of stimulation. It’s great that you are aware and open to understanding a temperament so different from yours. You both can learn from each other. It’s nice to have someone in your life who has different energy as long as you respect your differences.
Here are a few books I have found helpful: Introvert Power by Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Introverts at Ease by Nancy Okerlund and a very special endorsement for Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.
Please check out There’s Nothing Wrong With You. You’re an Introvert. on this site as well.
Thanks so much for commenting and reading. Best of luck to you in your relationship. I believe introverts and extroverts can co-exist (date, marry) with understanding and respect for their different temperaments.
Thank you for the advice and encouragement! I’ll be sure to keep reading
“Introverts are not into small talk. We want to share emotions, feelings and ideas.”
I dated an introvert for 3 1/2 years for whom this was NOT the case. He did not want to share his emotions at all, and would only do so if I very carefully, gently suggested it. Even so, it was perhaps one time in 10 that he would open up even slightly. He much preferred small talk — chatting about food/wine/travel/light politics. I know he’s a wonderful person, but his inexperience and discomfort with discussing the bigger things in life ultimately ended our relationship. He deeply wants children, but simply would not (or could not) discuss any aspect of parenthood.
I always wonder what I could have done differently. I used to write letters to give him time to process things and respond, but even that had limited results. I’m still greatly attracted to introverts, but I don’t want a repeat of this very happy but nonetheless failed relationship. Any advice for me?
Hmmm. We are all on an introvert/extrovert continuum so he may have recharged in solitude but enjoyed the ease of simple small talk. Did he enjoy parties with lots of people and plenty of opportunity for surface conversations?
Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert? Does he open up with anyone? I love the idea of letter writing in order to give him time to process and respond. I’ve known men who never showed much emotion until they were “cracked open” by a trauma of some sort. Once the gates were open and they received unconditional support (or they hit bottom and turned inward for strength) they felt more comfortable being vulnerable.
Perhaps I misspoke when I included emotions in the list of introvert favorites to share. Ideas and concepts are usually energizing for introverts because they come from within and are exciting but perhaps your man was overwhelmed by emotions. I can see introverted logical types (think engineers, scientists) finding it difficult to emote outwardly. It may require too much energy.
Love is a mysterious thing. We learn from every relationship. I believe your intuition will guide you to a more “big picture” or expressive mate the next time around.
Best of luck and thank you for reading and commenting.
yes, tis true that introverted logical types find it extremely difficult to emote outwardly. i’ve been married to an introverted philosopher for 12 years.
thanks for sharing your unique perspective with all of us inquisitive extroverts who simply want to better understand and love our introverts well.
So interesting. I’m a less logical, very emotive introvert. There is huge spectrum within each personality trait. How do you draw him out or do you leave him to his inwardness? Thanks for sharing.
It’s so good and right to learn and understand each temperament’s perspective. We are all in this together.;)
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“If we are going to put ourselves out there it has to be magnificent. Better than solitude.” ohhh, how I relate to this. I have said to others that for time with them to trump my time with me, they must be pretty sensational! I sometimes forget that not everyone is so joyful in their inner wonderland, and it’s comforting to read your insightful and lovely words. Thank you for putting your inner world out here for us to see…it’s beautiful.
Yes! As I venture out into the social and dating world again I am highly aware of how my companions affect my energy levels. I always try to build solitude cushion into my schedule. I know myself. I need that slow breathing space that makes me hum and glow.:) Thank you, thank you for reading and commenting. I so appreciate your insight.
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I was thrown out of my extrovert (him) / introvert (me) relationship though no choice. It was difficult at first. Now I recognize that over the past 40 years I have not been able to be my true myself due to trying to keep up with the extrovert husband. I have not had time for that quiet time required for an introvert to re-charge. So, at this point in time, I have absolutely NO desire whatsoever of entering into ANY intimate relationship. I am learning being myself is OK. I am learning all about solitude. It is OK. It is more than OK. I am revelling in it. At this point in time, I do not want another relationship to impinge on the relationship I am enjoying with myself.
You go introvert girl! I completely understand where you are coming from. I felt lost in the hustle and bustle of my life and marriage – always worried about keeping up or disappointing someone who needed me. I now am working on a balance of some sorts. I go go go then I retreat to solitude or find a companion who gives me energy. I’m still happy to have alone time as well. That’s what’s great about introverts we don’t see being alone as lonely.
Best of luck Elizabeth revealing the true you! Enjoy and savor.:)
yes it is okay to be yourself. So many times women in general get lost when they get married. They forget what they like because we pay so much attention to our children and our career and husband. If you are a chistrian like myself we are taught to put everyones need before ours. Then one day we wake up and realize its time for us to enjoy ourselves again. So, God bless you while you take time to enjoy whats left of your life. I’m the opposite from you. I’m an extrovert married to an introvert. My husband has taught me how to slow down and relax. He gives me the balance I need.
I’m so gald I found this blog and this particular reply; an aha moment for me.