Author Archives: brennagee

Confessions of an Introverted Parent

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summer

I’m ashamed I have to white-knuckle it through summer.  Summer is supposed to be carefree and super sunny smiley, right?

As I’ve mentioned before, socializing and stimulation are big energy expenders for introverts.  We may love the company and excitement of a gathering or activity but afterward solitude will be sought in order to recharge. When we think about socializing we picture parties and pubs but social interactions are happening all the time — even in our homes, between family members.

Somewhere around the beginning of May, I get the tiniest twinge of tangled anxiety in the pit of my stomach and it grows steadily as the school calendar slips away. On the last day of school, when the school bus rounds the bend, windows down, children chanting, I take a deep internally nourishing breath and brace myself for three months of introvert self-denial.

Children Are Precious. Self-interest is Wrong.  I Know, I Know.

Before someone gets child protection on the line, let me say I love my three children and work very hard to keep them from needing major therapy as adults. Their psychological well-being is forefront in my heart and mind, which is why their constant summer presence is particularly draining.  I feel the need to be ON emotionally and physically for them at all times.  I love their creative minds and developing spirits. I can’t stand letting them down.

For the record I ‘m not sure if any of my children are introverts.  They all have some characteristics but at their ages (13, 11, 9) it’s cool and culturally expected to be extroverted, so they may try to compensate for any introspectiveness with ultra outgoing-ness. Come to think of it, it’s cool and culturally expected at my age to be outgoing too.

Whatever their personality type, when they are with me I am part of a group. Group interacting is stimulating and energy consuming for an introvert, even when that group is your family.

Why Did You Have Three Children if They Overwhelm You?

 I’ve pondered this many times. Several reasons really:

1. My former husband and I always said we wanted three.  It was our plan. He was one of three close brothers. Their team-like camaraderie was idyllic and appealing.

2. Our children were fairly easy and angelic as infants and toddlers.  They took regular naps, laughed and cooed, followed the schedule we designed. I was lulled into thinking this parenting thing isn’t so tough. I loved being a baby mom, although I do remember

What I thought my children would be like.

What I thought my children would be like.

feeling scared and unsure of my ability to juggle things when I found out I was pregnant with our third. Solution: hire a college student to help (read — more people around).

3. I had no idea what an introvert was and no clue I was one.  I figured I’m a healthy, intelligent woman with a helpful husband.  I did not know that crowds and stimulation were my kryptonite and even if I did I would have fought that knowledge because…

4. I wanted to demonstrate and believe I could handle three children.  If I have the privilege of staying at home with the kids then I should be able to manage three of them, yes? I pushed myself because I wanted to be energetic, nurturing and organized like the other moms who seemed to get a high from camp scheduling, erratic carpooling and utter child devotion.

Entertaining is Draining

Reality

Reality

As a girl, I had six dolls that I played with for hours every day.  I dressed them, fed them and brushed their hair.  I never had to entertain them.  They dutifully listened to my soft nurturing words. I got blissfully lost in their care and company. Just like when my children were babies. Of course, raising children bears little resemblance to that. There is an urgency I feel emanating from my kiddos.  They desire entertainment and attention. I suck at entertaining people. My favorite and most comfortable form of entertainment is meaningful conversation.  Kids don’t give a rat’s ass about meaningful conversation.  They want water slides, jet skis, amusement parks, crowded-pool swimming and other large muscle group actions. I’m not sure if I can chalk this up to introversion, but I can take those activities in small doses only.

I like excitement but it must be balanced with downtime.

Sometimes I see the beauty of Mad Men days when kids were forced outside while the moms smoked and drank in the kitchen…(joking, but contemplated;)

Bickering is Bad

Teasing, taunting, joking, kidding, belittling and plain old fighting. It triggers deep-seated  feelings in me. I spent many years duking it out with my sister for attention. It took away a sense of psychological safety in my childhood home.  I couldn’t fully relax unless I was tucked away in my upstairs bedroom away from the competition and rivalry. I always swore my kids would never feel that, but here we are drowning in disses and one-upmanship. I have an instant desire to shore up the child being picked on or left out.  Empathy overrides my logic and places me in the middle of things, playing referee.  I know this is a futile place but I hate seeing anyone spiritually wounded.  I feel called into action, and my energy reserves suffer.

Hell is other people.  ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

Somehow despite my uneasiness with crowds and commotion, our house has become the ‘fun house’ where kids like to congregate. We frequently have additional kids for lunch.  Our yard, playroom and Xbox apparently sparkle more than others in the neighborhood. Part of me takes pride in this and understands how beneficial and self-esteem boosting the friendships are. I see their eyes glimmer as they concoct batches of invinci-bubbles in the driveway.  I hear their enthusiasm and laughter as they play ‘don’t land in the lava’ in the basement. So I quietly repeat my mantra, Come from a place of abundance, as I flip and serve stacks of grilled cheese and dream of the day when I’ll say, The more the merrier!, and mean it.

Another part of me screams for space to complete just one thought.  My introverted brain relishes daydreaming, idea generating and thoughtful life examination. Herds of children guarantee interruptions.  Interruptions are especially irritating for introverts because we get so deeply entangled in our yarn of thoughts that it is effortful and time-consuming to get back into our thinking trance. It’s easier to just stay in surface thoughts like — the trash needs taking out, orthodontist appointment at 3, I’ll do laundry next. Easier but way less fulfilling and energy generating.

Surviving and Dealing with the Guilt

At this point, the cat is out of the bag with my children.  They know I struggle with their summer presence.  They see it in my hollow eyes and hear it in my agitated voice.  I am ever so sorry they have this knowledge. I would give anything to be bubbly super mom with

My hero, Caroline Ingalls of Little House on the Prairie

My hero, Caroline Ingalls of Little House on the Prairie

craft ideas and a penchant for chaos.  I would love to wear adoring eyes all the time (not solely after a session of solitude).

As mentioned in Introverts Explained: Why We Love You but Need to Get Away From You, introspectives can love someone to the nth degree but still require space to recharge.  It is innate. Our brains turn to mush, our spirits languish and our energy  flags if we are never allowed to renew in solitude. This truth is especially difficult to swallow if you’re the connection-needing child or the guilt-ridden but space-needing parent. The parent-child relationship trumps all, doesn’t it?

Salvation Amidst Bickering and Big Energy

So how do I make summer alright? I insert pockets of salvation.

I run by myself on the trails that surround my neighborhood.

I care for myself by getting up two hours earlier than the rest of the house.  In those two hours of stillness I am made whole again.  I write, read, exercise, connect with my inner world and renew.

We, as a family, take road trips to scratch our curiosity itch and infuse our days with wonder. We go for ice cream often.  We go for walks in the woods.  We visit an old-school lodge located on a peaceful lake that has a righteous rec-room complete with pinball, ping-pong and a jukebox. We experience alternating commotion and stillness at the zoo. These are the joyous summer settings I live for, where we connect.  These are gems amidst bickering and big energy.

As introverts, how do you experience parenting? Do any of you recognize introversion in your own parents? If so, how did that affect you as a child?

If Confessions of an Introverted Parent hit home with you, check out these similar posts:

Introverts Explained: Why We Love You But Need to Get Away From You (space2live)

In Defense of Introverted Parents (space2live)

18 Things An Introverted Mom Wants Her Kids to Know (space2live)

When Parenting Overwhelms (space2live)

There’s Nothing Wrong with You.  You’re an Introvert (space2live)

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18 Things An Introverted Mom Wants Her Kids to Know

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Girl running through sprinkler

Summer is here.  School is out.  Relationships fill my heart and time.  I can’t promise new and densely enriching posts every week.  I’ll be busy chasing kids and frogs and sprinkler haze. Living wide-eyed and spontaneously.  I doubt I’ll be able to stay away from writing entirely but if the week slips away from me in a summery slip and slide way, there may be some evergreening of old posts to fill your inboxes and dreamy minds.

For this week a list.  Simple but meaningful.

18 Things I Want My Kids to Know

1. It’s OK to spend time alone. You may need it to recharge. Anyone who tells you differently is jealous, afraid of being alone or  simply doesn’t understand. No matter what, it’s OK.

2. Alone does not mean lonely. Solitude may be the place where you are most alive.

3. You have to be a good friend to have good friends.  Make friendship meaningful. It’s not about collecting 1000s of followers on Twitter. It’s about being genuine, vulnerable and committed. Small groups are just as, if not more, satisfying than masses of quasi-friends.

4. Don’t work solely for results.  Enjoy the process.  Notice beauty along the way.

5. Spare yourself from rushing.  Rushing allows life to pass unnoticed and promotes dissatisfaction. Savor life.  Live slowly and mindfully. You will expand.

6. Creativity is just as important as intelligence. It’s a different form of intelligence and it enriches lives. Creativity comes from within. Facts come from outside.  Intelligence can be found in a Google search.  Creativity creates awe.

7. You are loved whether you have a herd of friends or a heap of books to keep you company.

8. Fall in love with someone for how they look AT the world as opposed to how they look TO the world.

9. Fall in love because you are ready not because you think you should.

10. The world needs you to do what you love. Happy people spread light.

11. True love does exist but you have to know and love yourself first.

12. The world needs advisors AND warriors. Respect both.

13. People are not disposable and neither is our planet.  Treat them with care and you’ll benefit.

14. Kindness helps people grow.  Judgment stunts them. Nurturing others helps you blossom.

15. Listening is love and enhances lives.

16. Just because someone talks fast, loudly and with conviction does not mean they are smarter, better or right.

17. Action dissolves fear.  Don’t sit in analysis paralysis.

18. You are here for two reasons: 1. To figure out what your gifts are. 2. To use your gifts to help others.

What did I miss? Any other words of wisdom?

Similar posts from space2live:

15 Ways Art Saves Children from the Stupor of Standardized Tests

Exhausting Perfection I’m Breaking Up with You

In Defense of Introverted Parents

Let’s Not Reduce Everything to Numbers:An Antidote to the Unsatisfying Way We Account for Our Existence

More Than a Mom-Droid: Letting Children See Your Soul

Someone All Introverts Should Know: Brenda Ueland on Solitude, Creativity and Relationships

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In 2008 I began to wake up from the deep sleep of ‘supposed to’. I was married, living in thevariaslaap03_ok suburbs with three children, a loyal husband, part-time nanny and weekly personal training sessions.  It was what I wanted (it’s what most people want, right?) and it was wonderful in many ways, but something was missing.

Me.

I only knew who I was supposed to be. I was based on external scaffolding.  I was my children’s mom, my husband’s wife, a woman with a personal trainer and a woman who needs a nanny even though she’s a stay-at-home-mom. I was fit from training and maintained perfectly pedicured toes. Outwardly, I was healthy and polished.  Inwardly, I was a dark cave unexplored. I had no idea where the rocks and stalactites were, nor did I know the pure deep stream that existed in the unlit catacombs.

I was listless and low energy.  I felt depressed and wondered if there was something wrong with me. How could I be down when I had so much?

Enter Brenda Ueland.

While picking out a gift for a writing friend, I noticed a book called, If You Want to Write: A Book About Art, Independence and Spirit. The author’s name, Brenda Ueland, caught Brenda ueland fullmy eye. I read the back cover. I picked up a copy for my friend and myself.

Between the covers of her book I found a woman who lived dreamily and daringly from 1892-1985.  She both conserved and exuded energy. She was a writer, wife, mother and boundary pusher.  She championed the diverse students in her YWCA writing classes. The poet ,Allen Ginsberg, called her a ‘Courage Teacher’.

As I read, my eyes opened gently. In her, I found it was OK to crave solitude. I learned I wasn’t the only one who felt trapped in a relationship.  I learned that creativity isn’t all based on skill and massive productivity. I found a non-judgmental teacher and kindred spirit in Brenda Ueland.

Solitude Lets Imagination Slip In

…It is the dreamy idleness that children have, an idleness when you walk alone for a long, long time, or take a long, dreamy time at dressing, or lie in bed at night and thoughts come and go, or dig in a garden, or drive a car for many hours alone, or play the piano, or sew, or paint ALONE; …With all my heart I tell you and reassure you: at such times you are being slowly filled and re-charged with warm imagination, with wonderful, living thoughts. ~ Brenda Ueland

My personal trainer suggested running.  Running gave me time to myself.  I had a nanny three days a week — more time to myself. Ideas and daydreams came to me as I ran, walked,woman on rr tracks shopped and meditated, alone.  Glimpses of my internal world fueled me.  My step got lighter and my depression lifted. I felt my soul fill-in. Solitude became a drug I couldn’t live without.

Everyone is Creative

Everybody is talented, original and has something important to say. ~ Brenda Ueland

Brenda Ueland believed if you told your story without over-thinking or trying to be impressive, you were interesting.  Writing is just talking on paper. She said everyone should write about themselves. Writing or creating is a generosity to be offered freely but not forced upon anyone.

She encouraged making mistakes — she tells us to congratulate ourselves for making daring, honorable, ridiculous mistakes.

Work freely and rollickingly as though you were talking to a friend who loves you. Mentally (at least three or four times a day) thumb your nose at all know-it-alls, jeerers, critics, doubters. ~ Brenda Ueland

Brenda made me believe I could write.  She showed me that writing doesn’t have to be something I make up.  It can be something I write down that comes from within. Childhood stories, lessons learned, grown-up healing process.  It all counts as writing and a form of creativity.  I never thought I was creative until I read If You Want to Write.

Relationship Mismatches

We did not admire the same things.  I loved abstractions: truth, greatness, heroism.  He liked plain facts and cleverness. ~ Brenda Ueland speaking about her then husband

Many of Brenda’s words and thoughts lined up so closely with my real life it was eerie. I began to recognize a deep and real disconnect between my husband and me. Did we really know each other? Like each other? Would we expand and grow more as humans without each other? I thought so.

All that time I was inwardly wanting not to be married anymore; to be free, alone.  ~ Brenda Ueland

Real Love Can Be Found in Listening

Unless you listen, people are weazened in your presence; they become about a third of themselves.  Unless you listen, you don’t know anybody.  Oh, you will know facts and what is in the newspapers and all of history, perhaps, but you will not know one single person.  You know, I have come to think listening is love, that’s what it really is. ~ Brenda Ueland

I began to listen more.  I found listeners who offered conversation in an alternating-current style — we took turns talking and deeply hearing each other. I experienced a nirvana of self-realization.  My spirit became clearer and clearer. I couldn’t wait to get up in the morning. I no longer felt alone in my need for solitude. More and more ideas flowed through my mind and onto my notebook pages as I made time for idleness and writing. My marriage started to teeter but I felt warmth from the two-way love listeners I discovered as I ventured away from my previously defining scaffolding.

The saying goes, When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Brenda Ueland appeared when I was ready. She opened my eyes to an internal world of love, listening and creativity and an external world of authenticity and courage.

Do you have a personal transformative hero? How did they help you see you? When was the last time you reveled in idleness and imagination? 

Suggested further reading:

Me – Brenda Ueland autobiography

If You Want to Write:A Book About Art, Independence and Spirit – Brenda Ueland

Strength to Your Sword Arm – Brenda Ueland

Brenda, My Darling: The Love Letters of Fridtjof Nansen to Brenda Ueland - Eric Utne

My Introverted Love Creed: If We Can’t be Magnificent and Independent Together I’m OK Alone – space2live

The Introvert’s Love Affair with Solitude: Will It Always Be Taboo? - space2live.net

The Power of Surrender

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girlinpoolsurrender

Behind your greatest fear lies your greatest gift. ~ TUT, Notes from the Universe

I surrendered to one of my greatest fears today and after doubling over sobbing for ten minutes or so, I actually noticed a feeling of lightness, relief and freedom. Sort of like the paradoxical freedom I’ve heard terminally ill people feel when given the damning diagnosis. Now I know what’s going to get me and when. Total outrageous living starts now!

I made one of those adult-take the high road-gut wrenching decisions.  It wasn’t exactly Sophie’s Choice  — no one is dying — but it did involve the children/home/finances trifecta.  As so often happens, the answer came to me in the night. From the ether of semi-sleep and unguarded thoughts comes clarity.

Giving In Does Not Mean Losing

Last week in Are Introverts Givers or Takers? Does Managing Our Energy Limit our Generosity?, I wrote about giving and taking.  My new awareness and self-examination regarding giving definitely influenced my choice. I sincerely believe if you give for the benefit of others you will gain peace and contentment in the long run.  This, of course,  is not the rationale for doing good things. If you are gunning for a short-cut to peace and contentment you’ll be disappointed.  It takes genuine thoughtfulness and sacrifice.

Not Exactly Gracious At First

I can’t say that I took the high road from the beginning.  I was so pissed. My ego was wounded, raw and engaged. I cursed, lost sleep and may have  spewed venomous negativity while in the safe company of friends.

I let the worry and anger  eat at me until I wanted to throw up or rip my brain out for its incessant anxiety loop. As an introvert, you can imagine the amount of internal dialogue going on. I could almost feel the stress aging and sickening me.

Needless to say, my creativity was stifled this week.  There was little to no space for ingenuity and dreamy associations. This will be a short post but before I close I want to share something I learned.

Feeling Controlled?

Prior to making the decision I felt controlled and manipulated. I learned that giving and surrendering are the highest forms of freedom.  Choosing to give up or lose put me in charge. Please remember this when faced with what seems like a situation with no options.

Have you ever surrendered and felt relief? When was the last time you gave in? Are you afraid of being walked on? 

Related articles

Are Introverts Givers or Takers?: Does Managing Our Energy Limit Our Generosity ?

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Are you a giver or a taker? Deeply think about this. Do you often give to others without an agenda for reciprocation? Or do you  make sure you are the winner in every transaction? Or are you a matcher, someone who gives as much as they get and maintains equanimity in their interactions? As I read Adam Grant’s new book, Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success, give and takethese questions sizzle in my head.  Throughout the day I size-up the individuals I encounter.  Definitely a Taker…always there to extend a hand… giving but wants something from me.

Of course, I question my own placement. No one wants to admit being a Taker.  Matchers seem common or slightly underachieving. I want to be a Giver, but am I?

I help others who have no means or plans to return the favor. I do what I can to help my friends feel good and suffer less.  I volunteer at the school. Umm, I’m a generous tipper…

The truth is I could do so much more.

I give to my children  —sometimes begrudgingly. My extended family gets the shaft.  I don’t help them much at all because they are far away and my immediate responsibilities eat up a lot of my generosity and energy.

Introverts Must Mind Their Energy

Introverts constantly gauge the energy expended in relationships and activities.  Even if the gauging occurs subconsciously, we care for ourselves by minding our reactions and energetic output.  This is why introverts often limit themselves to dear and meaningful relationships.  The reciprocation necessary to maintain countless minor relationships is daunting and potentially draining.

And yet… I want to do good things.  I want to be present for many.  I want to connect and foster connections for others.

I am a selective giver, which could be construed as a matcher, but I am not strategic about giving.  I simply offer help/attention to the most in need or the ones I am closest to personally. I am not looking for a favor trade.

How Givers Affect the Work Environment

According to Grant, the majority of people are matchers at work. Competitive, self-interest based work environments encourage latticecrust piematching and taking.  No one wants to be the ‘chump’ or doormat. In Give and Take, Grant says givers actually expand the success or glory pie for everyone by creating more opportunities for giving instead of claiming all the credit for themselves. Success is not a zero-sum game in Giving Land.

I watch my children hoard compliments and assistance as if passing them out somehow takes away from their own potential.  I remember feeling the same way when I was young, maybe even into my 30s. :/

I eventually realized compliments are free gifts that lighten the load of others. They require very little effort (bonus for introvert energy reserves) and have instant impact. I later heard someone, possibly Oprah;), say, There is no limit to the amount of love and success in the world. The truth hit me.  I didn’t have to beat others in order to succeed.  I didn’t have to compete with others for love. There is an infinite supply of both. I can give love without fear of losing something for myself. All this sounds saintly and I can’t say that I embody these beliefs consistently, but I am aware of them. I aim to give freely but there is something that holds me back…

A need to replenish within.

Emotions by Karina Llergo Salto

Emotions by Karina Llergo Salto

Introverts Are Matchers?

I have to go internal in order to restock my personal supply of love, energy, imagination, creativity, giving ability. I need solitude or quiet meaningful connection in order to glow with giving.

I am a matcher with myself. I need equanimity between giving to others and giving to myself.

 Surprise Bonuses of Giving

Givers land at the bottom AND top of the success ladder. The more frequent the giving the more likely the individual will be at the top of her game. Givers often reap rewards for their kindness (even though they don’t require them), but it takes time.  Givers receive rewards in the longterm.

Personally, I have added more lovelies and socializing to my world lately.  I’ve noticed something fascinating. My energy is expanding along with my social circle.  I am not drained by the additional people. I am choosing energizing and giving individuals. Their giving nature is contagious. The activities can still wear me down but I  mindfully seek space between them, space to breathe, reflect and renew my generosity.

How giving are you? Are your closest friends givers, takers or matchers? 

Related articles:

Introvert Relationships: We Don’t Always Want To Be Alone

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womanaloneonbeach

I noticed the tiny lump last Friday as I undressed and got ready for bed, a small rise on my right side just above the top rib.  My fingers gently but urgently palpitated the heart-sinking intruder, the little anomaly that I knew would make my mind whirr well into the night.

Yes, it was real.  No, there wasn’t a matching one on the other side.  

Shit. Not now.  

Things are going so well.  I’m happy.  I feel grounded and good about my relationships with my kids. I have a new lovely person in my life…

No deep sleep for me that night.  My mind desperately searched to connect dots that made this all OK. The search rendered one big dot that would make it OK — this lump is not cancer — and a constellation of other dots that would make this a nightmare: inability to care for my kids, weak health insurance coverage, financial struggle, horrible sickness, shortened lifespan, and the one that the others all piggybacked on … dealing with this alone.

I have no family in the area and neither does my ex-husband. There is no backup team.

As a divorced introverted woman, I had thoroughly entertained all of the fears and worst case scenarios that could arise when living without the protection and security of a partner, and then for sanity-preservation, tucked them away and carried on.

Moving out of my house and mothering three kids on my own was going to be a challenge. The thought of dealing with the physical and emotional toll of a serious illness took my breath away.

Calming the Introverted Mind

I told approximately four people about my scary lump and moved forward with my life.  Nothing outwardly changed.  My schedule didn’t lighten up.  My kids didn’t need me less.  Inwardly, my mind ricocheted off its walls, using LOTS of mental energy . My introvert engine was firing on all cylinders. The drain was unstoppable but awareness of it helped. Iwomanwithcatresting recognized the fuzzy headed feeling and knew I had to recharge. I had to let the thoughts settle into long-term memory instead of buzzing feverishly in my immediate grasp.  I had to reduce the stimulation. I had to let go. Interestingly, I began to sleep better.  It was as if my body/spirit knew it couldn’t survive if the crazy-making sleeplessness persisted.

I know action dissolves fear so first thing Monday morning I called for a doctor’s appointment.  We can get you in on Wednesday. Wednesday? Not bad, only two more days of unknowingness.

Sometimes It Feels Bad to Be Unattached When Others Are Attached

On Tuesday night we attended my son’s choir concert.  When I say we, I mean myself, my son, daughter, ex-husband Jeff and Jeff’s girlfriend. This was the first school function that my ex-husband’s girlfriend and I attended together. I knew she would be there. Jeff had thoughtfully texted the night before to make sure I was cool with it. It was absolutely fine but I learned I don’t always want to be the unattached parent. I felt a tickle of insecurity.  I was happy my children sat on either side of me. My ego squawked as I imagined thinly veiled looks of understanding and pity? from other currently married parents. Even though I’ve embraced the fact that another woman appreciates what I didn’t, I still felt a bit like the spinster aunt at a family reunion.

My introspective heart feeds on a stalwart love of intermittent solitude and a vigilant pursuit of  personal freedom but not everyone gets that.  It’s hard to go against the grain sometimes.  It’s hard to be unpaired or ungrouped.


Sadness brings you eye to eye with your desires. ~ Danielle Laporte

Wednesday arrived at last. My doctor’s appointment was at 1:10PM.  The day dragged in a  fog of tepid loneliness.  The kids were off to school. My current squeeze had a full work day to attend to. I didn’t want to involve my parents yet. I distracted myself with minor household tasks and a phone call to a close friend but…

I wanted my kids by my side.  I wanted my guy to call. I wanted my parents to hug me and tell me it was going to be all right. I wanted to laugh with my girlfriends.

I didn’t want to be alone.

I allowed myself to indulge in the poignant Googling of such phrases as: small mass on right side, lump outside of breast tissue, and pumpkin seed sized lump near under arm.  I emailed my gynecologist to see if she was the appropriate person to diagnose this thing.  No, because it was outside the breast tissue she recommended a dermatologist. Perfect. That’s who I had contacted initially anyway.

Later, I sat with an inexplicable calm in the doctor’s exam room. The dermatologist breezed in, said her hellos, and got down to the point of my visit.  She asked all the same questions I’d seen online and heard from my gynecologist — Does it hurt? Is it hard? Is it red? Does it move around? No, no, no, yes.

Then the crucial moment.  Her fingers probed the soft, pale skin on my right side.  She found the bump where my body has gone awry. She let out a quizzical, Oh?. My heartrate jumped. Then she simply said, It feels like an inflamed lymph node.  Our body does that all the time.  I’m not worried about it at all.  It’s not cancer.  Keep an eye on it.  If the size changes or there is pain or a pulling on the skin, see a primary care physician.

331 Club

331 Club

Hallelujah.

That afternoon I was more intentional with my time with my kids.  I listened with my eyes and ears.  That evening I had the best date watching a friend’s band play at a hole-in-the-wall bar. I met new people. I engaged in life affirming interactions. I reveled in the socializing and connecting.

Dear introverts please tell me of times when you didn’t want to be alone. How did you handle it? 

If you liked Introvert Relationships: We Don’t Always Want To Be Alone, then you may also enjoy:

Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) -space2live

Introverts Explained: Why We Love You But Need to Get Away From You – space2live

Introverts Are Not Misanthropes: We Love Specifically, Individually and Deeply – space2live

First Year on My Own: Divorced, Dating, Parenting, Me – space2live

Introvert Networking: Surviving and Shining While Self-Promoting

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embarrassed-girlI feel the warm hot flush rise from my neck, to my ears and finally blasting my  face scarlet.   A circle of eyes focus on me as I try to articulate what it is I write about and why.  I am pushing my introverted self. I’m networking after a speaking event at the Woman’s Club in Minneapolis. Dear God, networking. Extemporaneous talking to people I don’t know about a subject I’m only marginally inspired by. Realizing I am in the position of observed rather than observer, my words catch and my voice weakens.  I  recover, sort of.  I hear the rush of blood in my ears. I wonder if I am making any sense at all.

I knew this part of the evening would bring dis-ease.  I’ve never been comfortable with self-promotion and gregariousness in general. How much can I rely on my friend to hold up the conversations? If I could just find one or two kind souls to talk to me until it’s OK to leave. My friend gently but insistently puts me in the limelight.  He is not afraid to tout my writing, why am I? Will this ever get easier?

My mind churns sluggishly as I absorb the names, words and key information about individuals I encounter. I meet them one or two at a time thankfully and the name tags name taghelp.  As I meet someone new and my brain processes their name and game, they ask me to tell my story or they utter the inevitable, What do you do? 

Me?, I get flustered at functions with strategic mingling.

Shit, everyone is trading business cards like observations about the weather.  They seem so adept and natural at this game. I am so not.  I dig out cards one by one and have to explain the mediator title on my card.  I have the qualifications to be a mediator but have never actually practiced.  Intuitively, I know mediation is not my calling but explaining this to strangers feels flakey. Note to self: get new cards.

Introvert Winning! How We Work the Room

There are beautiful listeners in the crowd.  The listen with their ears and eyes. I gravitate toward them.  I want to be them.  Listening is so easy and natural for me.  Speaking succinctly and cohesively in large chunks is difficult. It helps if I share a story  — a short one about something meaningful, preferably one with an eye twinkling finish.

It’s also easy for me to ask questions.  I love to ask questions.  I always want to know people on a deeper level, so curiosity nudges me to inquire about someone’s favorite moment or how they felt when such and such happened. I then employ my freakin’ amazing head -nodding, eye-contact maintaining, word absorbing, skills as they answer. The questions usually generate a nice flow of back and forth banter that satisfies my need for connection as well as the other person’s desire to talk about themselves and be deeply heard. Win-win.

I am so grateful for those who draw me out by asking me questions or who find me a kindred spirit because small talk anesthetizes their brains too.

I like to attend networking events with someone who is a conversation initiator and who won’t let me become part of the woodwork. Tonight my friend introduces me to those he knows and asks me easy questions in front of them.  He points out my applicable experience or strength when it fits in the dialogue. He’s equal parts introvert and extrovert so understands my tendencies but also has the chutzpah to lead conversations. Every introvert should have such a friend at a party/event. Rent-an-ambivert.;)

Introvert Dreaming

I made it through the evening without retreating to the ladies room once. Sometimes that closed bathroom stall is a necessary breather and momentary happy place. Tonight, I gently re-entered the arena of professional connecting and survived.  I believe with practice my comfort level will grow.  Maybe I’ll host a networking event at my house, give a speech and ask people to subscribe to my blog.  Bahahaha!  Ok… it could happen.

How are you at professional mingling? Do you have a strength? A weakness? Would you rather network or have your nose-hairs plucked? 

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Permission to be Vulnerable = Permission to Awaken = Permission to Evolve

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I was seven years old when Elvis died.  My young, but romantically faceted inner-world Elviscontemplativeturned this news into a melancholy fantasy where Elvis was my husband and I was in mourning.  Upstairs in my mother’s bedroom , I stood before the mirror that hung above her dresser.  I pulled out a hairbrush and brushed my hair while pretend-crying and lamenting, Oh Elvis, Elvis.  I miss you already. I loved you…

I had no idea my little sister was watching this daydream come to life.

She had a ball telling my parents about the scene. I remember the laughing and ribbing. I remember my cheeks pinking up. I understand it was a hilarious scene, much too rich to leave alone, but from that experience and countless others, I learned to be very careful how I express myself. I learned it was not safe to expose yourself to judgment. You should hide any weak, soft feelings or behavior. Such emotions and gestures make you easy prey.

Wanted: A Safe Space
Before age 38, I had never felt complete acceptance and safety anywhere except with my grandparents. I had good friends. I had parents who loved me. I had a husband who loved me. But they were all cocooning their own vulnerability.  They were busy being strong and confident. With them, I had to be strong and confident too.
I felt unconditional love from Grandma.  I told her my deepest fears at 10 years old and she didn’t laugh or belittle. She just loved me in her soft, tender way.
people cryAt 38, I knew intuitively I needed openness and kindness.  I needed a circle of softness.  A safe space.  I believe I knew for years prior to that, but had no idea how to craft or create that kind of home. I only knew how to climb, achieve and fit in.
The Reflecting Tribe
I consciously gathered gentle souls — artists, musicians, writers, therapists, those whose eyes held twinkles, sadness and kindness. I pro-actively took lessons, joined classes and visited venues where the courageous, creative and emotionally accessible hung out. Music schools, bookstores, writing and dance classes, social services volunteering…
I remember sitting around a kitchen table with new-ish writing friends and feeling the intoxicating freedom of mutual vulnerability. We were all a little broken and in various broken_lockstages of learning and healing. We were all looking for a place where we could remove our masks of false bravado.
Lightness of being.
Acceptance.
In that place I WANTED to share.  I couldn’t stop myself from sharing what had been locked down forever.
I moved from a world where mistakes were pointed out and right was better than kind, to a space where support was palpable and stories resonated.  Head nodding abounded.  My spirit soared.  It was easy to dream and feel grateful in that space. I wanted to spread that feeling, that spaciousness, but felt stunted in my regular world.
My day-to-day family life required all of us to have our shit together. No slipping, no falling short, no showing weakness.
You don’t want to be easy prey.
I don’t believe anyone in my house felt safe enough to be vulnerable. There was always a little sister watching and waiting to tell the story of our soft spots. Fear was in the ether of our home. We kept breathing it in and spewing it out. We couldn’t get it out of our pores.
manwalkingawaywomanforefrontUntil we broke open. Until we decided to end the cycle by ending the family as we knew it, thus, making us all vulnerable.
The Yin and Yang of Vulnerability
Life after divorce feels a little naked,  unprotected and separated from the herd. It’s scary at times but I see hints of learning and healing in my family.  Perhaps now WE can spread palpable support and understanding. Perhaps we will be the ones setting spirits aloft.

And I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, and creativity, of belonging, of love. ~ Brene Brown

Vulnerability expressed ignites the fuse of freedom in another. It’s a permission slip to imperfection.  It’s an exposed hand extended in inclement weather, reaching for warmth and providing it as well. It can be the catalyst for a life change. It is the source of the most profound connection.
Have you ever had your vulnerability mirrored? Have you ever let down your guard and found something extraordinary? Something hurtful?
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Introverts Are Not Misanthropes: We Love Specifically, Individually and Deeply

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eyecontact-landing

Life Coach Nancy Okerlund mentions in her newsletter, The Introvert Energizer, that introverts love specifically and individually.  An introvert is a person- to- person person. I’ll add that we love deeply as well. Our love is deliberate and thoughtful. We don’t give lots of people snippets of our attention.  We desire true connection with each person.  We meet people with our hearts out front, ready to receive and give beyond small talk.  I know extroverts do this too.  The difference is introverts may lose energy from the interactive stimulation and need to replenish it in solitude or quiet time. Extroverts thrive in the stimulation (to a point, of course).

Who Do You Think You Are Spending an Evening by Yourself?

I have my first evening to myself in 11 days. I curl up on the center cushion of the couch, pasta for one in front of me, Mad Men Season 5 Disk 3 in the DVD player.  I’m in introvert heaven, then my phone begins to buzz softly on the leather cushion next to me.  I turn it over and discover texts from two different significant people in my life.  I send thoughtful replies to both of them.  More buzzing.  Another friend reaches out via a text.  I read and respond. Meanwhile the two first texters have responded to my responses. As I read their messages a fourth important person joins in the text fest. Now I’m connecting madmensimultaneously but individually with four people I care about as the Mad Men menu screen taunts me with its episode selections and looping music. My heart wants to connect with these groovy people but it also wants to quell my desire for solitude.

Sure, I could tell them all that I have plans and need to sign off but telling people you are unavailable is so damn hard. They take it personally even though it has nothing to do with them (usually) and everything to do with your own need for space and recovery. I know many people who take pride in their constant availability. They make me feel selfish when I want to stuff my phone in a cupboard and leave the room. The truth is most of the time I don’t want to be cut off from people entirely.  I simply want to connect deeply at a manageable rate, preferably one at a time or simultaneously through writing.

Why Introverts Are In Demand Despite Their Penchant to Be Alone

Loners, if you catch them, are well worth the trouble. Not dulled by excess human contact, nor blasé or focused on your crotch while jabbering about themselves, loners are curious, vigilant, full of surprises. They do not cling. Separate wherever they go, awake or asleep, they shimmer with the iridescence of hidden things seldom seen. ~ Anneli Rufus, ‘Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto

Maybe it’s an element of mystery, maybe it’s because we listen and love specifically, maybe it’s simply that people want what they can’t have, but introverts are not often left to their own devices.

Independence is attractive.  Most introverts can entertain themselves, no problem. We want to work alone. This is contrary to what extroverts expect.  They don’t understand how we  joyously celebrate when we find out something has been cancelled and we have a night at home without plans.

Because of our inward focus we are able to pluck insight, intuition, light and grace from a secret place known only to us.  Given space to reflect we offer ideas discovered in our reveries. We can be stingy with our company but when you have our attention we are generous listeners.

We Want to Love You All but There Are So Many of You

Introverts process conversation, stimulation and relationships so deeply that it takes a lot out of us.  We want to be there 24/7 for our loved ones but our brains become white noise if there is too much to take in in the form of words, sounds, body language, sex, attention, activity, giving, receiving, etc. We want to focus on our beloved but the outside world calls as well. We want to focus on our inner world but the lover has other ideas. Our depth-seeking selves can only manage so many hearts and conversations.  If we spread ourselves too thin we pay for it in fuzzy-thinking and feelings of being overwhelmed. It’s very difficult to listen generously and respond thoughtfully in a rapid-fire manner to dozens of people.  We have to say no, which is stimulating and leaves us feeling guilty.

We Like People, Really

I ended up watching Mad Men an hour later than planned with frequent text interruptions. touchinghands I didn’t get near the renewing effect I would have had I watched without distractions in complete absorption. I didn’t get my thoughts knit together and my memories stored completely in a much needed eight hour sleep session either. I set those gifts to myself aside  because people and connecting are important. I know I have to recharge.  I know I have to say No sometimes but I also realize human connection is equally nourishing, especially if done specifically and deeply.

Are you a social introvert? How do you keep from drowning in a flood of social interactions?  

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Energy Envy and an Introvert Meltdown Curtailed:The Power of Having Your Sensitivity Valued

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I had a little meltdown today.  It had to do with old baggage about competition and insecurity.  I should have known it was coming.  I’ve been going 100 mph crying in cornerlately.  The primary reason: I’m prepping my house for sale.  Lots of organizing, cleaning, mess avoiding and workmen swarming. I’m stressed about timing  and frustrated because my creativity buzz is stymied.

Introverts and Competition Angst

When my friend announced he would be starting his own inspirational blog and asked for help coming up with a name, I cracked.  I felt a twinge of  darkness.  I was jealous of his energy and creative time, and with voice shaking told him so. Deep down I worried that he would surpass my abilities and lose respect for me. Yes I said it. I am sensitive to competition. I have lost too many times. Intellectually, I know there is more than enough love and success to go around but in my gut I cried.

Too Many Seasons of  Not Being Me

My friend, referring to my house selling obligations said, This is just a season.  It will pass.  I know he is right but I feel like I have watched many seasons pass with me lost in a barrage of doing the expected. I’ve spent seasons being flavorless and asleep. I’m awake now and I can’t bear to go through the motions without expressing myself somehow. Once again I feel my spirit dying in the name of the busy-life because I can’t manage my creative world and my day-to-day responsibilities.

Introverts and Energy Envyeggcracked

It’s hard to watch someone do with ease what you have struggled to do for years. I have to be mindful of my energy so I don’t get overwhelmed. I used to think of it as the introvert curse. It seems most people DO NOT have to watch their energy levels so diligently. They can barrel through the leg-work of an idea and hit the promotional and productivity road hard.

I can’t spread myself so thin. I’ll crack. My children will pay because my attention will be scanty and my patience will be short.  My emotions (the weepy/outburst kind) will surface unbidden. I have to be selective with my endeavors and follow them up with a good amount of restorative solitude.

It sucks but it is also a blessing.

I have to be judicious with my choices but those things I deem valuable I pursue with fierce attention. I may be pulled away by everyday interruptions but I always return. I cannot NOT seek further clarity.  My mind involuntarily absorbs information so keenly that it doesn’t stop until it’s reached meaning, beauty or some kind of personal evolution. This is definitely a blessing. This is why trite interactions (short phone calls, gossip, chickpeekingoutofeggsmall talk) are so energy zapping and meaningful ones are freakin’ exhilarating.

Vulnerability Sets Others Free

Admitting to my friend that I was jealous and a little frightened of his writing plans rendered the most incredible response. I’m not sure if it was the shaky voice or soft crying, but letting down my guard lifted him.  He said it made his heart sing.  Sing with freedom? Freedom to be real? He said he liked me more because of my vulnerability. He didn’t get defensive about his right to create or make me feel small for getting upset. He was genuinely appreciative of the safe space between us.  The space where we can have little meltdowns and not be judged. Wow. Meltdown avoided, empowerment in place.

Have you cracked lately? Do you get jealous of others’ energy and ability to self-promote? Does someone value your sensitivity?

If Introvert Meltdown… spoke to you then you may also love:

How To Be Lively, Energetic and Vibrant When Your True Nature Is Thoughtful, Introverted and Reticent (space2live)

There’s Nothing Wrong With You.  You’re an Introvert (space2live)

I’d Rather Not Compete with You: For Introverts or Anyone Who Prefers Excellence Over Dominance (space2live)