How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality?

tudodorme

Do you need a deep emotional or mental connection in order to be sexually attracted to someone? If so, you may be a demisexual.  New word for you?  Me too, until I read, Are You a Demisexual? on Lonerwolf’s website. I encourage you to check out Lonerwolf. The writing is evocative and validating for loners, introverts, introspectives and those with the courage to be on the outside. Anyway, back to demisexual.  According to the post, a demisexual experiences no primary sexual attraction based on appearance, style or personality but may experience a secondary attraction based on a deep degree of connection.

According to a study done by Durex (a condom manufacturer), 96% of people say they need emotional connection for the best sex.  Demisexuals need mental intimacy for any sex to occur.

I am not a demisexual because I can be sexually attracted to someone based on appearance or personality but… the part about needing a deep emotional or mental connection resonated with me.  To be clear, when I say deep emotional connection I don’t mean you spent an hour talking about mutual friends or the TV shows you love .  I mean you could talk forever because you feel a soul companionship based on the way the other person looks at the world. You drink each other in sips because the emotional intimacy is so poignant, right and effortless that you want to savor it.

Do most introverts require such emotional intimacy for sexual satisfaction? We are averse to small talk. Are we averse to casual sex? Do we desire meaningful in all realms of connection?

Studies show that extroverts have more sex with more partners than introverts. Extroverts are bigger risk takers and generally hang out in bigger social circles so this information comes as no surprise.

Introverts spend a lot of time managing or conserving their energy.  Meaningful conversations and spiritual intimacy are energy generating for introverts.

Do introspectives require a deep bond in order to counter-balance the expenditure of sexual energy?

How has your temperament affected your choice of partners?

Do you prefer a partner with a similar or different temperament to your own?

Are you quiet in bed or expressive?

Does having a rich inner world make sex more pleasurable? The brain is the largest sex organ. Do introverts have a fantasy advantage?

Is a lot of stimulation too much to handle for an introvert?

As you can see, this post consists of many questions. I am infinitely curious about the way temperament affects sexuality.  I would love to hear honest responses from you.  I understand sex is a sensitive and private subject for many so feel free to reply discreetly via the space2live@yahoo.com email address or anonymously via the comment section below.  I promise to share (retaining everyone’s anonymity) what I learn about the introversion/sexuality crossover. Thank you in advance for your candid replies.

*I consider sex and sensuality beautiful and natural.  In its highest form, sexuality can be enlightening. I believe physical touch and connection should be honored and honorable.  Please keep your responses in the same vein.

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45 thoughts on “How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality?

  1. Fantastic article, I’m an introvert. My personality was tested when I got out of the army and I tested as an INTP. Which is ; introverted, intuitive, thinking, perceptive. Recently I have begun to question many things that happen in my brain, particularly in the realm of sexuality. I was starting to question whether I was sexual at all. I have never chased women, and walking on the street, I take only a passing interest in their looks. Upon thinking about having a conversation with them, I quickly lose interest. This occurs not only on the street but in very short relationships. Having sex usually leaves me feeling more empty than before, however, certain things, almost meaningless things, done with someone who is only my friend, have had such an emotional impact that I feel I couldn’t live without this person. She is not physically the type of woman who has quickly caught my eye in the past, however, she is everything to me. At 37 years old I have had only 12 relationships. Which are made up of 1 one night stand, 1 frienefit, 2 relationships lasting 2 years, the rest are relationships lasting under 2 months in duration, only 2 of those were emotionally satisfying and of those 2, only 1 was a two year relationship. I find myself to be very picky when it comes to partners. I feel that kissing a woman is more important than sex, and rubbing a woman’s feet while watching a movie on the couch is more gratifying. I think this only scratches the surface of the subject in question. It’s a very rich subject.

    • I read your comment two days ago, got distracted and then thought I responded. Sorry for my delayed response. Hmmmm. I had several readers send me private messages stating that they don’t even kiss unless they feel deeply connected to someone. Kissing can be more intimate than sex in my opinion. I also had another reader say they felt so empty and bad after sleeping with someone they didn’t care about that they had to sleep on the floor next to the bed that night. They couldn’t stay in the bed with the sexual partner. Too intimate perhaps.

      Interesting that activities not typically considered intimate give you a feeling of deep connection.

      You have no interest in talking to women and making an emotional connection? How do you feel about emotional intimacy? Do you want a relationship?

      It’s good to be selective. According to my Myers Briggs books, INTPs approach all issues intellectually and are very private even within relationships. INTPs are not known to use a lot of terms of endearment either.

      You provided some interesting information. You are very self-aware. I think your type is likely to feel connected to someone if that person likes and does the same activities that you do. Doing such activities together is bonding.

      Best of luck in your search for self-knowledge and the elusive emotionally satisfying relationship.

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  3. Hey. Quite a stimulating article. I consider myself an introvert but i have some extrovert tendencies (on a scale I would say I place at 65% intro 35% extra… I’ve worked sales positions with great success, I can win over a crowd “comedian style” if you met me socially you would never know… it’s all about how an individual balances and recharges. I’m with an extrovert right now and I’ll be honest, it’s difficult to bridge the gap sometimes. She has done the whole casual sex thing/online dating and is perfectly fine hooking up with someone with little emotional connection. (at least at the beginning she can believe it) Personally, I like having a partner who I can share myself completely but I am ALWAYS looking to experience a contrary philosophy and learn from it… my goal is to challenge my beliefs with the most polar opposite opinions, I believe that’s the best way to grow. I am a guy and sometimes she gives me shit for being to soft and emotional, but at the same time we can see that no matter how extroverted the individual, eventually there is that base craving for emotional intimacy. I think it comes down to a person’s defense mechanisms. correct me if I’m wrong, but most extroverts want to be understood on a personal, dyadic level, a depth which is unattainable by large group interaction, it’s an intrinsic human desire. Where is there companionship if it is fueled by shared social gratification in a large group setting? EVERYONE wants to be understood… it’s just a timing thing, an ability to open up in a genuine and honest matter. Obviously NO-ONE should work too hard to make a relationship “work” by taking a disproportionate load of emotional investment but there is much to be learned from appreciating personal differences and the unique way they complement each others’ needs in a partnership. Honestly, I would get bored with another introvert.

    • I love your refreshing perspective! I agree we all want to connect intimately (emotionally) at some point. The timing may be different but good communicators can work that out. I’ve been in serious relationships with both introverts and extroverts. They both were able to get to the deep emotional vulnerability. The difference I found regarding level of depth and ease of entering emotional availability had more to do with whether or not the person was a thinker or a feeler, task oriented or people oriented, objective or subjective, by nature. The feelers (people people) eased into emotional intimacy more quickly and with greater depth. Most introverts prefer depth to breadth when it comes to topics of interest. If they are interested in relationships/people they can go very deep quickly. I dated a very compassionate extrovert. Once I gave him a safe space to open up, he was all over every kind of intimacy. I was married to a task focused extrovert who didn’t get vulnerable or emotionally available until we were going through a traumatic divorce together. But he did become more available.
      My two cents. Thank you for your thoughtful response. Made me think. I guess I am always looking for new perspectives as well.:)

      • I’m confused. My husband is an introvert and has no depth to him or emotional intimacy (we drifted into a relationship when I was 16 years old a couple of decades ago).

        I fell in love with this blog because of the constant chatter about emotional intimacy and deep conversations and yet I’m the worlds biggest extrovert and I feel like I’m starving to find people who want to connect deeply.

        I’m surprised to learn introverts are such deep thinkers. I just thought they were quiet people (with very little going on upstairs). I wish I knew this earlier and I would have made friends with more introverts. I really thought they were dull simple uncreative people just happy to be entertained by TV and other people entertaining them. Are you telling me that introverts are deep thinkers and desire emotional intimacy or is that just how you are?

        Also now that I know what I know, whats the best way to approach an introvert?

      • I would say that yes, most introverts are deep thinkers. We love dwelling in our inner-world. We get energy from going within. Too much stimulation on the outside will send us in search of solitude and reflective time. We very often love one on one meaningful conversations.
        I am still researching myself whether emotional intimacy is imperative to most introverts. I know there are outliers who don’t need deep connection at all. I think whether a person is a thinker or a feeler also has a lot to do with how much intimacy they need. Thinkers are more task oriented and focus on logic and problem solving. Feelers seek harmony and consider their own values as well as those of others in their circles.
        I would approach an introvert with soft easy questions. Draw them out. Don’t expect to get to know them in a big group setting. Pull them aside for meaningful communication. Small talk will bore them after a while.
        It’s true we are observers and do tend to like watching movies and reading books but we also enjoy talking about the movies and books with others. Thanks for the excellent questions. Hope I helped a little. :)

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  5. Thank you for this post! In a world of extroverts, it’s comforting to read about others’ experiences and feelings that mirror your own.

    As an 18 year old female, I’ve been gradually coming to terms with the fact that I need that deep emotional or mental connection to feel comfortable in any sort of act of physical intimacy (including kissing.) It feels so… alien to me otherwise.

    However, a significant problem arises when you discover yourself to also be an extremely sexual person (as I am and have always been).
    The situation that follows is a kind of inner war zone; the need for sexual intimacy is truly overwhelming and tears at you constantly, but it is absolutely imperative that the person you are sexually intimate with is one who you are also emotionally and mentally connected to.

    And until you find such a person (who comes along once every lifetime), you’re left sexless. Sexless and frustrated. It’s akin to what an elastic band feels when it’s being pulled in opposite directions.

    *SNAP*

    • Kudos to you for being so self-aware at 18 years old. The fact that you are deeply open to emotional and mental connection will help it find you. Be choosy. Relationships will promote your growth and help you evolve into the best human you can be. Only the truly significant individuals (the ones that light you up and revel in your expansion) are worthy of your love. Only share your body with those who respect you. You are young. You will learn who is mature and who is not – the hard way.
      I understand being a sexual being. I am too. I’ve learned a lot of me (my heart) goes into making love with someone. It needs to be a mature, loving relationship or I am left feeling horribly empty afterwards. Sexless feels better than empty, trust me. Only invest with your body if your heart feels safe. Just my ‘old lady’ advice.;)
      Thank you for sharing your story.

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  9. re the kissing thing… do we think introverts feel kissing is so much a letting go of themselves and who they are, that insider, that they hold back on it and in fact often don’t kiss much in the early part of a relationship?

    • A few of my readers did mention difficulty with kissing -seeing it as extremely intimate therefore requiring a deep connection before it occurred. Personally, I’m a big fan of kissing. I have to like and be attracted to someone to kiss them but I don’t have a guard up about it like I do with sex.
      Good question.:) Thanks.

  10. Hi, Thank you for writing this article, I am an extrovert, and my boyfriend who lives with me is an introvert, and truthfully he is not affectionate with me at all most days,.. although he was in the very beginning. It is really hard for me to understand him, he is quiet and stays up hours after I go to bed. This makes me feel he doesn’t like me, but tells me he loves me. I guess after reading this I come off as needy,.. but only because I think I never understood. Can any of you suggest some things I CAN DO, to please him,.. or NOT get on his nerves? I do love him,.. but I just don’t know how to make him happy.

    • Light up his mind. Is there a subject or favorite cause that you both care about deeply? Think back to the beginning. Were there nights when you stayed up late talking? What inspires him?

      Let him know you understand why he needs time to himself.

      Be independent and interesting yourself. Don’t wait around for him to do everything with you. Go out, follow your bliss/energy. He’ll miss you (or at least be recharged from solitude) and you’ll have more engaging conversations when you re-connect.

      Make him feel valued and respected. It’s easy for introverts to feel inferior to extroverts because extrovert action and socializing is so prized in our culture.

      Big credit to you for becoming more knowledgable about introversion and caring enough about him to ask for pointers.;) Communication is key, but keep it meaningful.

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  14. You have touched on a raw nerve here, lol. I have not let myself close to anyone, and have a few *possible* (yea, right) potential bgf relationships in the past..but I never let it go too far. At the best, we were good friends and constantly called or texted each other.

    I MAY BE a demisexual..and erm yea, I don’t quite know what ‘sexually attracted’ means…so I have no authority to comment on that. I admit, yes I’ve turned red in the face a few times a physically attractive man comes too close to me. :X Is that ‘sexually attracted’? If possible, then I’m not demisexual but absolutely refuse to have anything physical going with someone I have no mental or emotional connection with (poor body image helps, too). xD

    Thanks for your lovely posts.

    • You may be a demisexual. Emotional connection is key. In order to have that you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, take a risk.

      You could be extremely shy too. I hope you find a shining star individual who may also be shy and/or demi-sexual. Not because you need someone to complete you but because you need someone to give you permission to be you. Perhaps even a celebrity could be a role model. Let yourself blossom.

  15. First off, I’m quite the introvert – I don’t know how to shake hands, and I hate hugs and small-talk.

    After sex with a person I have no emotional attachment to, I often feel the need to be alone. Just the other day I girl I had sex for the first time with asked for a cuddle afterwards (after a whole string of needy behavior I managed to ignore) – I felt this deep sense of disgust wash over me, and mind you it’s not shame; the neediness in her voice was just so off-putting.
    I can’t help but feel like an awful person, even tho I know it’s due to the nature of dopamine receptors introverts like I have – they are too sensitive, and the intense nature of sex can over-flood them, giving you a massive “down” afterwards.
    That night I slept on the floor, anything else would have resulted in a massive anxiety attack.

    I felt the need to share this, because sometimes, it really “isn’t you – it’s me.”
    Girls, if you are attracted to an introvert handle them with care, look at them as cats – you never go to a cat to pet it, you have to wait for it to come to you.
    Once you cross that barrier it gets much better – before that, we’re a bunch of needy little brats.

    Sigh, I miss meaningful sex.

    Sorry for sounding like a complete whinge but I HAD to vent somewhere.

    • Wow, so much to consider here… I am not a sexpert so I am just going to speak from my own experience and what I have heard from other readers. I have cried after sex when I felt no emotional attachment to my partner. It just felt so false and against my nature. It’s hard for me to have sex without an emotional attachment first. It seems like you don’t have a problem with that. It’s the scene afterwards that troubles you. I also find neediness off-putting, and feel guilty for not wanting to help/fix/satisfy someone. I believe this resistance to other’s needs is a strategy to preserve our own energy. We can’t take on lots of other interactions because it will drain us. Frustrating that it affects our generosity.
      I like your cat analogy. I wonder if that is more accurate for male introverts. I appreciate being approached but not overwhelmed. I don’t want someone in my face or with a lot of needs or dependency but I like it when it’s obvious they are interested.

      I have found meaningful sex wipes out all of the above issues. No crying afterwards, no resistance. May you experience the good stuff soon.:)

      Thank you for your forthrightness. You are not an awful person. You obviously have a conscience. Oh the introverted nature, so faceted.

    • wow, you sound just like my b\f, well how he was in the early days and how he explained he felt. I think when you find the right partner and talk lots of these issues will be things of the past. The after sex cuddle was really hard for him to even understand though he liked the feeling of intimacy the sex had given him. now he can hold onto me though I know that my need for that cuddle is not as necessary as our depth of relationship, the spirituality and understanding between us means that physical closeness is no longer the only indicator of closeness. And it was him, in his own time, who offered the cuddle! very briefly at first…

      • Awesome! I believe there is a right partner out there. I just need to be whole myself and open to possibilities. I know what you mean about depth of relationship. That is its own form of intimacy. It has been my experience that emotional intimacy brings miraculous physical intimacy. Glad you are getting some cuddling.;)
        Thanks for sharing.

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  17. I just stumbled upon your blog and proceeded to follow it, as well as Twitter and Facebook. I’m definitely an introvert (and I live in a dusty house with cats and classic books :) ) and was so happy to find a blog about us introverts.

    Your blog is great. And I love this post.

    I can’t say whether or not I’m a demisexual, but more than likely I’m not.

    I can be sexually attracted to someone based on personality and appearance, but that’s as far as it will go. I don’t act on it. I definitely can’t do casual sex, or the “friends with benefits” thing. I know me. I know I have to have an emotional connection to the person.

    • Welcome to introvert land! Safe place to feel at home.

      It makes sense that many introverts would need a strong emotional connection before getting involved sexually. We value our own inner worlds so highly. Physical intimacy without being able to share emotions/feelings/a connection seems like something is missing – namely a big part of ourselves. Like going to a party and only finding small talk. We need that deep meaningful conversation on the corner of the couch.;)

      Thank you for connecting with me. I checked out some of your work. Fascinating. It’s silly hard to be a suburban mom with a fascination of sensuality, but I do it anyway.;)

  18. I feel like I’m in the same boat as Lobster. I can sexually attracted to someone, but if there’s no connection emotionally, I’ll turn away. The quality of the relationship means a lot. Sometimes, though, I wonder if we introverts have standards that might be a tad bit high for our potential partners to reach. Anyway, I just discovered this blog last week, and have thoroughly enjoyed reading about your journey. Can’t wait to read more. Keep living and keep writing.

    • As my introvert life coach once told me, “You have beautifully high standards.” So yes, I do believe we introverts have high expectations. A few months ago I was beginning to rue my high standards regarding romantic relationships. No one seemed to work. There was always a fatal flaw. My step mother gave me the go ahead to be selective/picky but also reminded me that no one is perfect. The next person I began dating ticked all my boxes. So far no fatal flaws. At first I found myself looking for potential problems (as I always do) but then I decided to relax and let the relationship play out more before I threw in the towel. Once I relaxed my partner relaxed. It became easier to be emotionally vulnerable thus creating a stronger emotional connection.

      Thank you for your thoughtful comment and kind words. So truly appreciated.:)

  19. I’m not sure whether I’m demi sexual or not, but to me, nothing works without that deeper connection. If there’s no connection, sex gives me absolutely nothing, and it makes me feel empty and even more dissconnected from the person, and I get depressed too.
    I always used to wonder what was wrong with me, and if I was wired in the wrong way, but this post really gave me some huge aha moments :)
    I don’t fall for a persons’ looks, and that’s usually never why I’m attracted to someone. I am far more likely to fall for a personality, or what’s in someone’s heart.
    And yes, most of my friend think I’m nuts and weird.
    Thank you so much for all your posts, I find so many aha moments, and peace of heart and mind when reading them :)

    • I am completely aligned with you regarding the need for a deep connection before sex. Personality, temperament, communication skills and whether or not someone is genuinely kind are my hot buttons.;) I want to love their brain and spirit first, then a physical relationship is effortless.

      Thank you so much for your candid response. You are not nuts or weird, just selective. The wonderful thing is if you find someone who lights up your mind and heart, the sex is out of this world.;) Truly making love.

    • I just stumbled across this blog. To the reader above: I am right there with you. I am exactly the same. And yes, my friends think I have lost my mind when they find out who I happen to be attracted to, but I am the one who thinks they are the strange ones. They by pass many people who could make their world beautiful.

  20. Although not the focus of this posting- I love your line about introverts spending a lot of time managing and conserving their energy. My gosh, this is so true! I am constantly doing this. Everyone thinks it’s b/c I am a Type A person who likes to be organized. That is only part of the story- I am trying to conserve my energy around people. I have just spent 12 days!!! traveling with my stepkids, husband, and his extended family! I am wiped out!!!

    • Do you feel if you are more organized you can be more relaxed and spend less energy? I’ll do just about anything to conserve or create more energy so I’m open to suggestions.;)
      Take care of yourself post traveling. Vacations are supposed to be relaxing but often I come home way more wired. I have had a handful of rejuvenating vacations so I know they can happen. They usually involved a slow pace, solitude and sensitive or introverted companions.

      • You are absolutely correct. I am compulsively organized in an attempt to get to a point that I can relax. Great idea to take care of myself after traveling. My immediate instinct is to push to get things done. Thanks for your great post.

  21. Wow, thanks very much for sharing the article I wrote Brenna! You ask some very thought provoking questions and it’s adding more and more to my curiosity about sexual energy and the way temperament affects sexuality. Last time I checked the poll on the Demisexual article it said that most of the readers were straight, though I can’t help but wonder whether sexuality evolves with age, just as personality does. For instance, I used to believe I was straight until I discovered I was more on the bisexual spectrum. That’s one of the reasons why I like keeping an open mind to life, it’s always evolving, sometimes gradually, sometimes in a burst of spontaneity that takes your breathe away.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this fascinating topic!

    • Thank you for such a thought provoking post. I didn’t comment on your site but the word and definition of demisexual stuck with me. I knew it was something I wanted to sexplore further.;)

      I have become more open minded regarding sexuality as I get older. I support all orientations. I see my sexuality evolving. I express my sexuality way more than I used to and I know better what it takes to have a beautiful sexual relationship. It is vital to me to have a strong emotional connection. I almost can’t bear sex without it. Which is why the demisexual article intrigued me.

      Always keep your lovely open mind. Keep observing life’s evolution. I know there are many things that have changed my perspective, often leading to the exact opposite reaction I would have had a few years ago.

      Thanks again for the inspiration.

  22. This is the post I’ve been waiting for. Way to go. All I can say is: please read David Deida’s “Way of the Superior Man”—a book that weds sexuality to spiritual practice. He offers answers to many of your questions and has been a guide for me.

  23. Very interesting post – again! And timely as I have been pondering such things myself this month. I don’t believe I am demisexual as l, like you, can be sexually attracted to someone based on appearance and personality however that is all it is. Attracted. I can’t or won’t act on that attraction unless there is a connection. Does that make me demisexual? Or is that my introversion? In my inner fantasy world of personal thoughts and ideas I have no problems acting on mutual attraction, but in the physical reality….

    I usually need to have built up trust, friendship, understanding and have an actual interest in them and what they are saying before that desire can even translate to something as simple as a kiss.

    Let’s just say that I have passionately kissed far fewer people than some of my close friends have had sex with…

    • Oh thank you for sharing your sexuality truths! I have similar feelings. I have had a little over a year of sexploration since my divorce was final. It’s been eye opening.;) I am a sexual being. I found sex without deep connection very empty and it made me feel almost depressed. In my new freedom I had to test the waters. I’m very selective now.

    • Heh, me too – have kissed less people than some have had sex with. I consider kissing to be pretty intimate and thus not the be practiced with every hunk of meat you see.

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