Introverts Are Not Misanthropes: We Love Specifically, Individually and Deeply

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Life Coach Nancy Okerlund mentions in her newsletter, The Introvert Energizer, that introverts love specifically and individually.  An introvert is a person- to- person person. I’ll add that we love deeply as well. Our love is deliberate and thoughtful. We don’t give lots of people snippets of our attention.  We desire true connection with each person.  We meet people with our hearts out front, ready to receive and give beyond small talk.  I know extroverts do this too.  The difference is introverts may lose energy from the interactive stimulation and need to replenish it in solitude or quiet time. Extroverts thrive in the stimulation (to a point, of course).

Who Do You Think You Are Spending an Evening by Yourself?

I have my first evening to myself in 11 days. I curl up on the center cushion of the couch, pasta for one in front of me, Mad Men Season 5 Disk 3 in the DVD player.  I’m in introvert heaven, then my phone begins to buzz softly on the leather cushion next to me.  I turn it over and discover texts from two different significant people in my life.  I send thoughtful replies to both of them.  More buzzing.  Another friend reaches out via a text.  I read and respond. Meanwhile the two first texters have responded to my responses. As I read their messages a fourth important person joins in the text fest. Now I’m connecting madmensimultaneously but individually with four people I care about as the Mad Men menu screen taunts me with its episode selections and looping music. My heart wants to connect with these groovy people but it also wants to quell my desire for solitude.

Sure, I could tell them all that I have plans and need to sign off but telling people you are unavailable is so damn hard. They take it personally even though it has nothing to do with them (usually) and everything to do with your own need for space and recovery. I know many people who take pride in their constant availability. They make me feel selfish when I want to stuff my phone in a cupboard and leave the room. The truth is most of the time I don’t want to be cut off from people entirely.  I simply want to connect deeply at a manageable rate, preferably one at a time or simultaneously through writing.

Why Introverts Are In Demand Despite Their Penchant to Be Alone

Loners, if you catch them, are well worth the trouble. Not dulled by excess human contact, nor blasé or focused on your crotch while jabbering about themselves, loners are curious, vigilant, full of surprises. They do not cling. Separate wherever they go, awake or asleep, they shimmer with the iridescence of hidden things seldom seen. ~ Anneli Rufus, ‘Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto

Maybe it’s an element of mystery, maybe it’s because we listen and love specifically, maybe it’s simply that people want what they can’t have, but introverts are not often left to their own devices.

Independence is attractive.  Most introverts can entertain themselves, no problem. We want to work alone. This is contrary to what extroverts expect.  They don’t understand how we  joyously celebrate when we find out something has been cancelled and we have a night at home without plans.

Because of our inward focus we are able to pluck insight, intuition, light and grace from a secret place known only to us.  Given space to reflect we offer ideas discovered in our reveries. We can be stingy with our company but when you have our attention we are generous listeners.

We Want to Love You All but There Are So Many of You

Introverts process conversation, stimulation and relationships so deeply that it takes a lot out of us.  We want to be there 24/7 for our loved ones but our brains become white noise if there is too much to take in in the form of words, sounds, body language, sex, attention, activity, giving, receiving, etc. We want to focus on our beloved but the outside world calls as well. We want to focus on our inner world but the lover has other ideas. Our depth-seeking selves can only manage so many hearts and conversations.  If we spread ourselves too thin we pay for it in fuzzy-thinking and feelings of being overwhelmed. It’s very difficult to listen generously and respond thoughtfully in a rapid-fire manner to dozens of people.  We have to say no, which is stimulating and leaves us feeling guilty.

We Like People, Really

I ended up watching Mad Men an hour later than planned with frequent text interruptions. touchinghands I didn’t get near the renewing effect I would have had I watched without distractions in complete absorption. I didn’t get my thoughts knit together and my memories stored completely in a much needed eight hour sleep session either. I set those gifts to myself aside  because people and connecting are important. I know I have to recharge.  I know I have to say No sometimes but I also realize human connection is equally nourishing, especially if done specifically and deeply.

Are you a social introvert? How do you keep from drowning in a flood of social interactions?  

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Energy Envy and an Introvert Meltdown Curtailed:The Power of Having Your Sensitivity Valued

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I had a little meltdown today.  It had to do with old baggage about competition and insecurity.  I should have known it was coming.  I’ve been going 100 mph crying in cornerlately.  The primary reason: I’m prepping my house for sale.  Lots of organizing, cleaning, mess avoiding and workmen swarming. I’m stressed about timing  and frustrated because my creativity buzz is stymied.

Introverts and Competition Angst

When my friend announced he would be starting his own inspirational blog and asked for help coming up with a name, I cracked.  I felt a twinge of  darkness.  I was jealous of his energy and creative time, and with voice shaking told him so. Deep down I worried that he would surpass my abilities and lose respect for me. Yes I said it. I am sensitive to competition. I have lost too many times. Intellectually, I know there is more than enough love and success to go around but in my gut I cried.

Too Many Seasons of  Not Being Me

My friend, referring to my house selling obligations said, This is just a season.  It will pass.  I know he is right but I feel like I have watched many seasons pass with me lost in a barrage of doing the expected. I’ve spent seasons being flavorless and asleep. I’m awake now and I can’t bear to go through the motions without expressing myself somehow. Once again I feel my spirit dying in the name of the busy-life because I can’t manage my creative world and my day-to-day responsibilities.

Introverts and Energy Envyeggcracked

It’s hard to watch someone do with ease what you have struggled to do for years. I have to be mindful of my energy so I don’t get overwhelmed. I used to think of it as the introvert curse. It seems most people DO NOT have to watch their energy levels so diligently. They can barrel through the leg-work of an idea and hit the promotional and productivity road hard.

I can’t spread myself so thin. I’ll crack. My children will pay because my attention will be scanty and my patience will be short.  My emotions (the weepy/outburst kind) will surface unbidden. I have to be selective with my endeavors and follow them up with a good amount of restorative solitude.

It sucks but it is also a blessing.

I have to be judicious with my choices but those things I deem valuable I pursue with fierce attention. I may be pulled away by everyday interruptions but I always return. I cannot NOT seek further clarity.  My mind involuntarily absorbs information so keenly that it doesn’t stop until it’s reached meaning, beauty or some kind of personal evolution. This is definitely a blessing. This is why trite interactions (short phone calls, gossip, chickpeekingoutofeggsmall talk) are so energy zapping and meaningful ones are freakin’ exhilarating.

Vulnerability Sets Others Free

Admitting to my friend that I was jealous and a little frightened of his writing plans rendered the most incredible response. I’m not sure if it was the shaky voice or soft crying, but letting down my guard lifted him.  He said it made his heart sing.  Sing with freedom? Freedom to be real? He said he liked me more because of my vulnerability. He didn’t get defensive about his right to create or make me feel small for getting upset. He was genuinely appreciative of the safe space between us.  The space where we can have little meltdowns and not be judged. Wow. Meltdown avoided, empowerment in place.

Have you cracked lately? Do you get jealous of others’ energy and ability to self-promote? Does someone value your sensitivity?

If Introvert Meltdown… spoke to you then you may also love:

How To Be Lively, Energetic and Vibrant When Your True Nature Is Thoughtful, Introverted and Reticent (space2live)

There’s Nothing Wrong With You.  You’re an Introvert (space2live)

I’d Rather Not Compete with You: For Introverts or Anyone Who Prefers Excellence Over Dominance (space2live)

Beautifully High Standards: An Introvert Waxes About Online Dating, Deliciously Independent Partners and Slow Honest Intimacy

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Being the introverted, freedom-loving woman I am, it would make sense that I celebrate single-hood and relish activities that are self-directed but I’ve found dating to be exciting and expansive as well. Oh sure, I’ve been involuntarily groped in a coffee-shop parking lot and forced to sit through unusually long cat stories (complete with pictures), but overall my dating experiences have been positive.

The very nature of dating centers on one-on-one communication.  I LOVE one-on-one communication. It lights me up, especially if we get past the weather, sports and networking stories.

Online Dating Works for the Introvert

Dating often starts with an online service.  This is perfect for the introvert.  People shopping from the comfort of your own home.  Match.com and E-Harmony make it possible to avoid joining a church, gym or single’s club in order to find someone.  Bye bye bar scene and socializing mixed with loud noise and beer farts. Online dating significantly lessens the chances of an awkward pairing such as a set up engineered by Aunt Maude.  You get to choose who strikes your fancy.  I’ve found it deliciously easy to figure out who among the Match.com crowd is an excellent communicator and introspective thinker.  If ‘good’ and ‘great’ are the extent of their adjective repertoire and the highlight of their life is attending a sporting event in a packed stadium, I’m out. Not that there is anything wrong with those traits.  I just know my spirit would wither in their presence.  I’m not their type either. They would fall asleep in their hot wings listening to me drone on about introversion and literary philosophers.

Even when I have selected my date I still get a small pang of doubt and small pools of perspiration when meeting for the first time.   Continue reading →

A Divorced Introvert: Evolving Not Dissolving Post-Breakup

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I didn’t fall apart during or after the divorce like everyone expected. I was worried as hell about how it would affect our children, scared to death about taking care of everything myself (how would I find the energy?) but ultimately not afraid to be alone.  I knew I was on my way.  I was doing what I needed to do in order to evolve, for all of us to evolve.

I believe that a marriage should not survive at the expense of its participants and that families evolve, not dissolve, as a result of divorce. ~ Tara Eisenhard, Relative Evolutions

The above quote from a space2live reader spoke to me. My sentiments exactly. I see my children grasping and growing and I feel myself transforming in a way I know I would not have if I would have stayed married. I’ve noticed a willingness to listen and re-think in my ex-husband as well.

This post is not an endorsement of or a recommendation to divorce. It is encouragement for those who have experienced the shake up of a broken marriage.

Divorce cracks you wide open so that a new soft-bodied animal can emerge, one who is open to learning, independence and empathy.

You Have to Fight to Evolve as an Introvert Post-Divorce

You have to rise from the ashes and:

1. Say this is not me.  I have to be true to myself.

2. Spearhead your existence.  Stop competing, find your natural bliss and take action.

3. Give yourself permission to say, I have to think about it. It’s OK to make decisions slowly.

4. Defend boundaries constantly. Protect your solitude and space.

5. Be OK with your unpopular or non-mainstream perspective.

6. Learn to live with less money, less time with your kids, less stability (for a while).

7. Do what you find meaningful rather than impressive.

8. Build relationships that feel right.

  Not Doing It the Extrovert Way This Time

In my marriage I followed.  I rushed.  I filled every second with doing. I squeezed myself into a pair of high-energy jeans that only truly fit every once in a while. End results were more important than what was developing inside me. I felt I was in competition for everything (often with my ex-husband), — best parent, lead conversationalist, quickest thinker, most in control, one who sacrifices and produces the most. Exhausting and inauthentic. I felt I was failing because I couldn’t keep up or compete.

It’s OK to Choose Your Happiness:  The World Will Benefit

…Based on massive evidence of fulfillment: When you choose your happiness, you become infinitely more productive, useful, and magnetic to those around you. You enable yourself to truly be of service. ~ Danielle LaPorte, Do Not Do Shit to Please Your Parents

You can do things because you love someone but not to please or appease them.  Not to be worthy in their eyes. If you aim for others’ approval or others’ abilities it will take away your spirit, your light, your curiosity. You will be a generic copy of yourself dressed in clothing picked out by other people. A Barbie with no soul or joy. Trust me, I know.

I’m not going to try to be like others this time around by doing and doing and focusing on achieving.  I am going to protect my solitude and listen to my internal guide. I am not going to rush my decisions or rush my children in order to accomplish oodles of achievements and activities.  I want them to taste learning and savor living long enough to notice their own values and inner voice. I want enough space for kindness to be easy and respect to be considered. I will explore this world with an open mind and heart.human-touch

I already feel infinitely more connected with myself and others. My children have commented that they feel closer to each of their parents now. I feel I add value to the world through my writing and relationships. I love encouraging others to embrace their introverted gifts.

I used to feel pushed or pulled through life, now I feel I am leading, scouting ahead to discover my full potential.

Oh, I regress and try to put on those skinny restrictive busy-jeans that our culture heralds as must haves.  I feel guilty when I need time to myself.  I get sucked into the achievement/productivity vortex. I forget to connect with my kids and instead dole out commands and criticism. I still worry about having enough energy but…

I am increasingly more at peace and content with my circumstances.

Are you evolving or dissolving? Have you had a life altering experience that helped you transform?

If you enjoyed,  A Divorced Introvert: Evolving Not Dissolving Post-Breakup, you may also like:

First One Over the Wall:What It’s Really Like to End a Marriage and Start Over (space2live)

Are You Someone’s Priority: Do You Need to Be? (space2live)

The Introvert’s Love Affair With Solitude: Will It Always Be Taboo? (space2live)

First Year on My Own: Divorced, Dating, Parenting, Me (space2live)

Introverts Explained: Why We Love You But Need to Get Away From You

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Woman-walking-away-from-man umbrella

I am told our desire to get away from everyone every now and again and again is perplexing and sometimes painful to extroverts. They don’t understand how we could enjoy being alone period. Even more confusing, we sometimes choose to be away from people we really like.

The truth is we see all you people as stimulation and potential energy sucks. Sorry.  It doesn’t matter if you make us laugh until we wet our pants or we find you so attractive we’ve agreed to make babies with you (or at least practice).  We will need a break from you.  We even need a break from other introverts, but speaking only for myself, not as often.

What Happens If We Don’t Get Our Space?

The other day I heard a fun-loving morning show radio host say she needs to be in the house alone often and for a while in order to be civil.  Having someone in the other room of the same house isn’t good enough.  She can feel them there.  I loved that she said that because I am the same way.  Also, she’s a highly visible and outgoing personality, yet she still requires time to herself (completely) in order to carry on as a decent human being. Introverts are not all recluses hanging out in dusty homes with cats and classic books (not that there’s anything wrong with cats and classic books;). We get out and rock it, but then we need to withdraw from that buzz because if we don’t we will feel like an overdone steak, no life, no juice. Our minds will be zapped and cottony. Our speech may come out slowly with pauses between words. There may be tears or swearing or both.

We Don’t Mean to Hurt Your Feelings.  We Just Can’t Stand You Sometimes.

I’ve heard from readers and experienced it in my own life, extroverts miss us and feel lonely and rejected when we pull back from them. It’s like we take away their light.

It’s especially difficult with children.  I’ve seen my daughter’s friends question her relentlessly when she says she is going to play with her dolls after school instead of playing at the friend’s house. You mean you’d rather play alone than play with me? 

School is highly stimulating. Downtime afterwards energizes introverted kids. My daughter is primarily an extrovert but she is sensitive and needs quiet time as well.  She jabbers and narrates as she writes, plays on her iPod Touch, and fixes herself a bagel.  She thinks out loud.  Sometimes I ask her to think in her head (so that I don’t lose my mind).  I ask her very gently but I still the hurt in her eyes.

That hurt is there in adults’ eyes too. They don’t understand how one day we can spend every waking moment with them working, conversing, giggling, lightinsidewomanbywatercreating, smooching, etc. and the next we want to watch Downton Abbey by ourselves. They want more of the high-energy or deep listening us, but unfortunately that fun dear girl or guy can grow fangs or grow weepy if pushed to be out-going and devoted for too long. Our brains process everything so deeply it’s tiring. We need time to live in our inner world. We need to recoup bubbly energy by visiting our thoughts, creativity and feelings. We need to go internal in order to express ourselves generously externally.  Solitude expands us (and everyone really). It makes space within us so that we can take in more from the outside.

It’s Not You.  It’s Us.

My best advice, don’t take it personally.  It is most likely not about you (if you’ve been approved as a friend and we’ve shared at least one deep and meaningful late night talk). All we ask is that you don’t make us feel bad for needing space.  If we work up the courage to ask for it, please respect our request. It is vital to our well-being.

Do introverts puzzle you? Have you ever been hurt by an introvert’s need for space? Do extroverts drive you nutty sometimes? 

If you found, Introverts Explained: Why We Love You But Need to Get Away From You enlightening, you may also love:

There’s Nothing Wrong With You.  You’re an Introvert. (space2live)

Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live)

In Defense of Introverted Parents  (space2live)

What’s Wonderful? Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (space2live)

The Introvert’s Love Affair with Solitude: Will It Always Be Taboo? (space2live)

In Love With Possibilities, Beholden to Reality

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daydreaming-girl

I am an introverted Pisces dreamer big-picture kind of woman.  I could while away hours daydreaming about traveling in foreign lands, meeting a beguiling stranger on a midnight train, writing a bestseller and championing lost souls.

I am most content when I am available to possibilities.

Possibilities in Love

Deeply Single: A state of perceiving the benefits of aloneness and being single — of traveling, going to movies alone, feeling full of possibility. ~ Sasha Cagen, Quirkyalone

I volley back and forth between feeling self-directed and creatively independent and yearning for the ideal mate who shares my reveries and reaches for me in the night.

As I wrote in My Introverted Love Creed: If We Can’t be Magnificent and Independent Together, I’m OK Alone, I am fine by myself, even prefer it sometimes for its solitude and reflective properties. I often feel most alive and genuine when enveloped in solitude.  It is the space where I can make sense of all that befalls and has befallen me.  In that time of slowed activity and enriched mind, lessons are realized, imagination seeps in and possibilities dance with dreams.

Eventually, I find myself feeling full and content and want to share experiences with a partner.

Online dating blows my mind.  Too many possibilities. I sign onto a dating service and inevitably find both mis-fits and magnificents.  I enjoy the variety and options but it’s difficult for me to date casually for long. I get dating fatigue.  Too much correspondence and energy zinging out through my Macbook and iPhone.  I want the realness of an intimate relationship – the ability to love individually and expansively.

I am addicted to human connection of the deepest kind.  Physical, mental and spiritual connection. I love it all.  Touch me sensually, engage my mind and stir my soul.  I will open to you in the most natural and generous ways.  I will want to live in that realm indefinitely but reality always butts in. Energy levels will require me to recharge alone.  My children will need more loving attention. I will pull back so as not to get lost in you.  I will meet someone new with different possibilities.

Still there is the possibility of true love.  Two individuals coming together with their own lights within, not needing the other for happiness but wanting the magnified glow of two hearts and bodies. Sigh.

Possibilities in Becoming

At this place in my life I have choices.  Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? What do I want to dedicate myself to? How can I do the most good?

My children are my companions on this ride so their needs and enrichment are guideposts along the trek.  Even with their needs in mind, there are numerous possibilities for my trajectory.

I dream of putting a book together that comforts others and makes their existence lighter and sexier.  I have lofty thoughts of going back to school and obtaining a masters in counseling – so I can do more than listen to people and write to their feelings.  I want to actually help them feel good and whole on their own.

It’s so easy for me to imagine these outcomes but so difficult for me to take all the steps and do all the work necessary to achieve them.  I am daunted.  I am overwhelmed.  Many days I feel like I use all my energy to raise my children and manage household tasks.  I admire those industrious spirits who network effortlessly and continuously.  I don’t know how some people raise children and then stay up until the wee hours of the morning working on side-projects like book writing or website development.  I’m not sure if it’s my temperament — introverted —that holds me back or just plain fear.  I’m not afraid of doing the tasks.  I’m afraid of becoming exhausted, brain-dead and crabby.

I know to take little steps.  I am.  I know to surround myself with passionate loving people.  I do.  I know to evolve it’s up to me to move forward and embrace the possibilities. Sigh.

Are you always looking at the possibilities or are you content with what you have? Are you evolving or settling?

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My Introverted Love Creed: If We Can’t Be Magnificent and Independent Together I’m OK Alone

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It seems I’m most alive when I’m dancing on the fringe of a relationship, either almost disentangled or almost entangled.  That space where I can taste freedom or I can taste enchantment is where I am creative, brave and generous. It’s where ideas flow and my smile is the most genuine.

You see, I have a delicious longing for freedom AND love and I can wait to find a mate who embodies both.

Trapped: Love Without Freedom 

But inside me there was the sense of oppression that had almost the sense of a nightmare, that I was not free: that I must be with him, could not strike out, go where I pleased, but he would be there always, and I would have to listen to him and could never act as one, alone and debonair. 

~ Brenda Ueland, Me

I’ve felt trapped in relationships.  I’ve felt like the sky’s the limit in others. The especially clingingtoback2trappy relationships were with individuals who had not found their own light. They were looking for it in me. There are times when one lover leans on the other for support and inspiration.  This is expected, but not the definition of love. To me, true love is two people coming together with their own sufficient lights and using those lights to illuminate relationships (theirs and others), passions and experiences.

Freedom fuels me. As an introvert, I am highly conscious of my energy.  I sense when it is waning due to too many individuals drawing from my attention pool.

 Introverts love specifically and individually according to Nancy Okerlund’s Introvert Energizer newsletter. Our energy is easily tapped out by socializing. We give deep listening and mental energy to the people in our lives. If we are not filled up (with ideas, meaning, creativity) simultaneously as we give, then we crave freedom and space. We feel drained. Time alone to be debonair or simply recharge is vital. Introverts are not afraid of solitude.

As mentioned in, Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much), many introverts want and have  great relationships, but most of us prefer no relationship to an unfulfilling one. 

Sorry I’m Not Available. I’m Committed to Myself.

…coming out means taking responsibility for your own happiness and recognizing that no other person will hold the key to all your future joy.  It’s the opposite of debutante-style coming out.  Instead of announcing yourself as available to everyone, you announce that you are committed to yourself and available to individuals of your choosing.  ~Sasha Cagen, Quirkyalone

england-fashion-girl-light-loveiscolorful-woman-Favim.com-95742

Committed to myself and individuals of my choosing.  This is where I am now.  I have a strong sense of independence.  I have dreams to spearhead and love to release judiciously and meaningfully. I know others cannot make me happy.  I cannot complete them either.  Completion is personal. It comes from finding your gift and giving it to others.  It originates within you and flows outwardly to others. It has to flow outwardly. It cannot be taken or you will be depleted.

Independent Together

Is it possible to be alive and thrive within couplehood?

 I am a sensual romantic who believes in the miracle relationship.  The one where the universe conspires and collides as two people unite through faceted, breathtaking conversations, sensuous physical chemistry and a desire to benefit the world. The kind of relationship where meaning and passions are discovered and encouraged.

I’m realistic. I know everyday work and struggles are going to challenge the relationship but I also believe two awake individuals won’t pull each other down with need.  Senses on coupleindoorwayfire, they will stand side by side, shoulder to shoulder  — gazing at the horizon rather than looking solely at each other for comfort and happiness.

When I fall in love, truly, if I’m lucky enough to do so, that love will help me, and I will help her, to face outward, not merely inward. ~ Waylon Lewis, elephant journal

What I desire is a partner in spaciousness and until I find him, I’m content alone.

Are you content on your own? Do you hold out for extraordinary in a relationship? Does your partner need you or give you wings?

If you loved My Introvert Creed then you may also enjoy:

Love is Selfish (elephant journal)

The Introvert’s Love Affair with Solitude: Will It Always Be Taboo? (space2live)

So Your Love Isn’t Shiny and New Anymore, Now What?(space2live)

Sensual Rennaissance: The Rise of Affection and Touch (space2live)

Seductive Security: Living Without the Protective Embrace of a Committed Relationship (space2live)

Organic Living: Plowing Through the Artificial and Growing Humanity

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Will we get to the point where we are so desperate for human warmth and loving kindness that we get rid of the packaged Lunchable of progress and dig into the  fertile soil of caring and community?  Is the vigilant embracing of all things organic the first step in realizing a natural way of living? For now we are searching and conversing at farmer’s markets, co-ops and the local artisan bread maker’s shop. We are hungry for acceptance, imperfection, reflection and humanity. We seek out listening, simplicity and joy.  Somehow it all got eaten up by rapid technology and artificial flavors.

Artificial Flavors

Mainstream America shakes their heads and waves their iPhones at spiritual nuts and granolas.  It’s much easier to say yes to the majority and the convenient than it is to be sugarcerealdifferent or put forth real effort.

Sustainability. Can we sustain this rapid vapid existence of beeps and schedule munching?  Or will we be composted toast by Monday?

So Many People to Feed

The move towards natural eating and cooking is a small start to fulfilling a deep longing. We are barely hanging on.  We need real sustenance, nutrients to feed our soul.  To stop dying. To stop being dead.  To live with color, vibrancy and ripeness. Let’s go back to the source.  To nature.  To us. The more colorful your plate the healthier the meal.  The more colorful your way of being the healthier your spirit.

I-care-graphicThe elements are mixing and a grassroots effort toward conscious and conscientious living is spreading.  The roots are anchoring and the shoots are reaching upward.  Word of mouth and words of books pollinate minds as they open in sun-filled spaces under patient and nurturing care. It takes space and introspection for healthy ideas, love and contentedness to germinate. Do you have the courage to grow something real? Do you have the tools to plant patience and caring for others?

Artists as Farmers

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Portrait by Giuseppe Arcimboldo

Have you ever wondered how a musical note, a line of prose or a film scene passes through your senses and stirs your humanity? Artists.  The farmers of feelings. Artists are natural dreamers, creators, and outsiders.  They breathe beauty in and out.  They expel the garbage of processed living and cherish the peach of truth; the vulnerability and honest core that is planted deep within us all. Artists plant seeds of wonder in order to grow wonder.  They cultivate compassion because of and despite their personal flaws.
The good news?  We are all artists, creators, chefs of universal meaning. We only have to plow through unconsciousness and pick up a hoe and do some real work towards vivid, connected, living.  Only then will we smell spring in the air and find ourselves awake and growing.

Are you living real or artificially? Are you awake or dormant? When was the last time you spread kindness or beauty?

Related Posts:

Awareness, Introversion and Leadership: Thoughts Inspired by Deepak Chopra (space2live)

Becoming Real: What Happens When You’ve Been Through Some Sh*t (space2live)

Turkeys Vs. Target: Space Vs. Convenience (space2live)

The Funk of Following: The Spirit of Spearheading

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A former hairstylist of mine once said, When a client comes in wanting a new hairstyle, I always know there are changes brewing in their everyday life as well. So… when I decided to grow my hair out a titch and skip a haircut I had a feeling change was in the air.

hair cutOver the last few months I have not felt all that strong or vibrant. I have been relying on others to make me happy and because that is impossible, I have been frustrated and dejected. I had fallen into my old habit of letting others lead rather than self-directing my life. Well… I’m done with that funk.

From Funk to Free

What woke me up? One afternoon of solitude and  an insightful remark from a close friend.

Financial and personal re-hashing with my ex-husband, emotional struggles and everyday activities with my children, late night boyfriend talks, and home maintenance were the drivers of my life.  They drove and I was hog-tied and thrown in the trunk.  There was little space for me to connect with the real me – the one that exists internally. The one that has ideas, connects with all and is solid in her way of being. Not only was I counting on others to lift my spirits but I was allowing them to step on and kick my spirit to the curb. At the same time I desperately wanted to make everyone giddy with joy and security. I was running on empty and running in circles. Continue reading →

The Introvert’s Love Affair with Solitude: Will It Always Be Taboo?

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zen-of-solitude-power

I began a conscious love affair with solitude five years ago.  I’ve been apologizing for it ever since.

I wrote the notes for this post on the backside of a final letter from my ex-husband.  A letter I found in a bedside drawer as I searched for a blank piece of paper to capture my early morning thoughts.  One of the reasons my marriage ended was because there was a disconnect between our views on solitude.  He saw my need for alone time as rejection of him.  I saw it as expansion of me.

Self-Preservation Not Personal Rejection

Personal expansion isn’t narcissistic.  It’s growing into your best self.  It’s hydrating a dying bloom so that it may provide joy naturally. Granted, there is such a thing as too much self-absorption. Loved ones must be nurtured as well, but in my case, time alone gave me light and energy that I never would have had if solitude was completely denied. I tried to take my solitude breaks when everyone was away at work or school. I always felt bad about needing personal space in the marriage.  The guilt caused me to second-guess my parenting style. My kids were taught that the best kind of parent was one who was ON 24/7. I fell short. If only my children understood that solitude helps mom love more deeply and more freely…

I had told people of my intention to be alone for a time. At once I realized they looked upon this declaration as a rejection of them and their company. I felt apologetic, even ashamed, that I would have wanted such a curious thing as solitude, and then sorry that I had made a point of announcing my desire for it.                        

~Doris Grumbach, ‘Fifty Days of Solitude’

My daughter’s eyes widened with hurt and confusion.  I had just told her that I would NOT be helping with her third grade Valentine’s Party.  I had stayed home with her four out of five days last week when she was ill. There had been lots of bonding and mutual enjoyment. I had been home for two days this week with her brother and his turn with the flu. I was taking them to History Day at the Middle School tomorrow. Evenings are almost exclusively devoted to their homework and needs.  I wanted the afternoon to myself. What I was failing to relay was the fact that my need for time alone was not a rejection of her company but a desperate need to explore my own essence.  I also know that if I do not take time for myself my presence becomes muddled. My thoughts are gridlocked and my demeanor is zombie-like.  I come across as there but not there. That in my opinion, is not good enough.

Most people come alive in relationships.  The more the better.  I am fed by relationships but inspired and transcendent in solitude. I need both.

In her book, Introvert Power, Dr. Laurie Helgoe shares her husband’s experience of dealing with her introversion and need for space. He likens it to a light being removed or a projector stopping during a feature film. I try to keep that in mind when requesting time to myself.  It helps me understand my loved ones’ reactions and feelings.

One of the primary missions of Space2live is to explain and create understanding between introverts and extroverts when it comes to recharging and solitude requirements. Introverts need space to live as their true selves. We unfold like old road maps — creases released and possibilities endless —when immersed in open-ended time.  Extroverts need hits of attention and interaction to stay energized.  Different methods, neither better or worse.

Effects of Solitude on the Introvert

I spent the morning reading quotes on love and solitude that resonated so deeply I felt at home and peaceful for the first time in months. I entered a state of flow that was so delicious and nourishing I didn’t want to leave.  I found a place to rest in the words of famous loners like Henry David Thoreau and Charles Bukowski.  It had been so long since I felt this belonging.  Like a parent’s lap or a lover’s embrace, the acknowledgment that solitude cravings are not selfish or bad, enveloped me in warm acceptance. It was like still_water_lake_tahoesitting late at night at the kitchen table with my dearest friends.  There was a feeling of freedom and shimmer.  I felt my inner creativity begin to stir.  She had been dormant for many busy and over-populated months. Clarity arises in unstirred pools.

Now, more than ever, we need our solitude. Being alone gives us the power to regulate and adjust our lives. It can teach us fortitude and the ability to satisfy our own needs. A restorer of energy, the stillness of alone experiences provides us with much-needed rest. It brings forth our longing to explore, our curiosity about the unknown, our will to be an individual, our hopes for freedom. Alone time is fuel for life.

                           ~ Dr. Ester Buchholz

I am most alive and myself when I am alone.  That sounds strange and un-American but I feel all of my loose ends grow together when I reside in a healthy space of reflection.  Ideas glimmer and surface when there is room between thoughts.  My whole demeanor shifts from raised shoulder blades, frantic answer searches and obligatory action to easy breathing, expansive thinking and thoughtful action. I become me, in the truest sense.

We Network, Therefore We Are?

The general belief in this culture is that if you are not interacting in a relationship you hardly exist.  We rely on others to shape and prove our existence.  They talk to us and touch us, therefore we are.

Introverts dig deep into their inner worlds to find existential confirmation. Too much external stimulation and interaction and our inner voice is muffled. We are lost.

Most of the time I feel more connected to others when I am alone.  I am able to ponder the universal through the lens of my own specifics. I have time to miss others or wonder about their feelings. A desire grows to love and engage with them.

The Acceptance and Benefits of Solitude

My wish is for solitude to be an encouraged and accepted state.  Those who crave it should not be ashamed or misjudged as selfish.  Many of our greatest inventions and works of art were born out of solitude. The benefits of making space for reflection are endless but below are a few of the key ones:

  • Less anxiety
  • More interpersonal understanding
  • More intuitive decision-making
  • Appreciation of beauty
  • Creation of art
  • Universal awareness
  • Thoughtful actions and reactions

Alone time should not be looked down upon.  It should be respected and understood.  Maybe someday we’ll talk of solitude breaks openly and encouragingly rather than with hisses and shakes of the head. In the long run humanity will benefit.

How do you feel when you immerse yourself in solitude? What are the results? Do you have a hard time asking for alone time? Does your inner circle celebrate solitude or group activities?

Further reading on solitude:

Famous Solitude Quotes (Lonerwolf)

Melancholic Quotes on Love (Lonerwolf)

Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto (Anneli Rufus)

There’s Nothing Wrong With You.  You’re an Introvert. (space2live)

Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live)

In Defense of Introverted Parents  (space2live)