Are Introverts Givers or Takers?: Does Managing Our Energy Limit Our Generosity ?

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Are you a giver or a taker? Deeply think about this. Do you often give to others without an agenda for reciprocation? Or do you  make sure you are the winner in every transaction? Or are you a matcher, someone who gives as much as they get and maintains equanimity in their interactions? As I read Adam Grant’s new book, Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success, give and takethese questions sizzle in my head.  Throughout the day I size-up the individuals I encounter.  Definitely a Taker…always there to extend a hand… giving but wants something from me.

Of course, I question my own placement. No one wants to admit being a Taker.  Matchers seem common or slightly underachieving. I want to be a Giver, but am I?

I help others who have no means or plans to return the favor. I do what I can to help my friends feel good and suffer less.  I volunteer at the school. Umm, I’m a generous tipper…

The truth is I could do so much more.

I give to my children  —sometimes begrudgingly. My extended family gets the shaft.  I don’t help them much at all because they are far away and my immediate responsibilities eat up a lot of my generosity and energy.

Introverts Must Mind Their Energy

Introverts constantly gauge the energy expended in relationships and activities.  Even if the gauging occurs subconsciously, we care for ourselves by minding our reactions and energetic output.  This is why introverts often limit themselves to dear and meaningful relationships.  The reciprocation necessary to maintain countless minor relationships is daunting and potentially draining.

And yet… I want to do good things.  I want to be present for many.  I want to connect and foster connections for others.

I am a selective giver, which could be construed as a matcher, but I am not strategic about giving.  I simply offer help/attention to the most in need or the ones I am closest to personally. I am not looking for a favor trade.

How Givers Affect the Work Environment

According to Grant, the majority of people are matchers at work. Competitive, self-interest based work environments encourage latticecrust piematching and taking.  No one wants to be the ‘chump’ or doormat. In Give and Take, Grant says givers actually expand the success or glory pie for everyone by creating more opportunities for giving instead of claiming all the credit for themselves. Success is not a zero-sum game in Giving Land.

I watch my children hoard compliments and assistance as if passing them out somehow takes away from their own potential.  I remember feeling the same way when I was young, maybe even into my 30s. :/

I eventually realized compliments are free gifts that lighten the load of others. They require very little effort (bonus for introvert energy reserves) and have instant impact. I later heard someone, possibly Oprah;), say, There is no limit to the amount of love and success in the world. The truth hit me.  I didn’t have to beat others in order to succeed.  I didn’t have to compete with others for love. There is an infinite supply of both. I can give love without fear of losing something for myself. All this sounds saintly and I can’t say that I embody these beliefs consistently, but I am aware of them. I aim to give freely but there is something that holds me back…

A need to replenish within.

Emotions by Karina Llergo Salto

Emotions by Karina Llergo Salto

Introverts Are Matchers?

I have to go internal in order to restock my personal supply of love, energy, imagination, creativity, giving ability. I need solitude or quiet meaningful connection in order to glow with giving.

I am a matcher with myself. I need equanimity between giving to others and giving to myself.

 Surprise Bonuses of Giving

Givers land at the bottom AND top of the success ladder. The more frequent the giving the more likely the individual will be at the top of her game. Givers often reap rewards for their kindness (even though they don’t require them), but it takes time.  Givers receive rewards in the longterm.

Personally, I have added more lovelies and socializing to my world lately.  I’ve noticed something fascinating. My energy is expanding along with my social circle.  I am not drained by the additional people. I am choosing energizing and giving individuals. Their giving nature is contagious. The activities can still wear me down but I  mindfully seek space between them, space to breathe, reflect and renew my generosity.

How giving are you? Are your closest friends givers, takers or matchers? 

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Introvert Relationships: We Don’t Always Want To Be Alone

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womanaloneonbeach

I noticed the tiny lump last Friday as I undressed and got ready for bed, a small rise on my right side just above the top rib.  My fingers gently but urgently palpitated the heart-sinking intruder, the little anomaly that I knew would make my mind whirr well into the night.

Yes, it was real.  No, there wasn’t a matching one on the other side.  

Shit. Not now.  

Things are going so well.  I’m happy.  I feel grounded and good about my relationships with my kids. I have a new lovely person in my life…

No deep sleep for me that night.  My mind desperately searched to connect dots that made this all OK. The search rendered one big dot that would make it OK — this lump is not cancer — and a constellation of other dots that would make this a nightmare: inability to care for my kids, weak health insurance coverage, financial struggle, horrible sickness, shortened lifespan, and the one that the others all piggybacked on … dealing with this alone.

I have no family in the area and neither does my ex-husband. There is no backup team.

As a divorced introverted woman, I had thoroughly entertained all of the fears and worst case scenarios that could arise when living without the protection and security of a partner, and then for sanity-preservation, tucked them away and carried on.

Moving out of my house and mothering three kids on my own was going to be a challenge. The thought of dealing with the physical and emotional toll of a serious illness took my breath away.

Calming the Introverted Mind

I told approximately four people about my scary lump and moved forward with my life.  Nothing outwardly changed.  My schedule didn’t lighten up.  My kids didn’t need me less.  Inwardly, my mind ricocheted off its walls, using LOTS of mental energy . My introvert engine was firing on all cylinders. The drain was unstoppable but awareness of it helped. Iwomanwithcatresting recognized the fuzzy headed feeling and knew I had to recharge. I had to let the thoughts settle into long-term memory instead of buzzing feverishly in my immediate grasp.  I had to reduce the stimulation. I had to let go. Interestingly, I began to sleep better.  It was as if my body/spirit knew it couldn’t survive if the crazy-making sleeplessness persisted.

I know action dissolves fear so first thing Monday morning I called for a doctor’s appointment.  We can get you in on Wednesday. Wednesday? Not bad, only two more days of unknowingness.

Sometimes It Feels Bad to Be Unattached When Others Are Attached

On Tuesday night we attended my son’s choir concert.  When I say we, I mean myself, my son, daughter, ex-husband Jeff and Jeff’s girlfriend. This was the first school function that my ex-husband’s girlfriend and I attended together. I knew she would be there. Jeff had thoughtfully texted the night before to make sure I was cool with it. It was absolutely fine but I learned I don’t always want to be the unattached parent. I felt a tickle of insecurity.  I was happy my children sat on either side of me. My ego squawked as I imagined thinly veiled looks of understanding and pity? from other currently married parents. Even though I’ve embraced the fact that another woman appreciates what I didn’t, I still felt a bit like the spinster aunt at a family reunion.

My introspective heart feeds on a stalwart love of intermittent solitude and a vigilant pursuit of  personal freedom but not everyone gets that.  It’s hard to go against the grain sometimes.  It’s hard to be unpaired or ungrouped.


Sadness brings you eye to eye with your desires. ~ Danielle Laporte

Wednesday arrived at last. My doctor’s appointment was at 1:10PM.  The day dragged in a  fog of tepid loneliness.  The kids were off to school. My current squeeze had a full work day to attend to. I didn’t want to involve my parents yet. I distracted myself with minor household tasks and a phone call to a close friend but…

I wanted my kids by my side.  I wanted my guy to call. I wanted my parents to hug me and tell me it was going to be all right. I wanted to laugh with my girlfriends.

I didn’t want to be alone.

I allowed myself to indulge in the poignant Googling of such phrases as: small mass on right side, lump outside of breast tissue, and pumpkin seed sized lump near under arm.  I emailed my gynecologist to see if she was the appropriate person to diagnose this thing.  No, because it was outside the breast tissue she recommended a dermatologist. Perfect. That’s who I had contacted initially anyway.

Later, I sat with an inexplicable calm in the doctor’s exam room. The dermatologist breezed in, said her hellos, and got down to the point of my visit.  She asked all the same questions I’d seen online and heard from my gynecologist — Does it hurt? Is it hard? Is it red? Does it move around? No, no, no, yes.

Then the crucial moment.  Her fingers probed the soft, pale skin on my right side.  She found the bump where my body has gone awry. She let out a quizzical, Oh?. My heartrate jumped. Then she simply said, It feels like an inflamed lymph node.  Our body does that all the time.  I’m not worried about it at all.  It’s not cancer.  Keep an eye on it.  If the size changes or there is pain or a pulling on the skin, see a primary care physician.

331 Club

331 Club

Hallelujah.

That afternoon I was more intentional with my time with my kids.  I listened with my eyes and ears.  That evening I had the best date watching a friend’s band play at a hole-in-the-wall bar. I met new people. I engaged in life affirming interactions. I reveled in the socializing and connecting.

Dear introverts please tell me of times when you didn’t want to be alone. How did you handle it? 

If you liked Introvert Relationships: We Don’t Always Want To Be Alone, then you may also enjoy:

Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) -space2live

Introverts Explained: Why We Love You But Need to Get Away From You – space2live

Introverts Are Not Misanthropes: We Love Specifically, Individually and Deeply – space2live

First Year on My Own: Divorced, Dating, Parenting, Me – space2live

Introvert Networking: Surviving and Shining While Self-Promoting

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embarrassed-girlI feel the warm hot flush rise from my neck, to my ears and finally blasting my  face scarlet.   A circle of eyes focus on me as I try to articulate what it is I write about and why.  I am pushing my introverted self. I’m networking after a speaking event at the Woman’s Club in Minneapolis. Dear God, networking. Extemporaneous talking to people I don’t know about a subject I’m only marginally inspired by. Realizing I am in the position of observed rather than observer, my words catch and my voice weakens.  I  recover, sort of.  I hear the rush of blood in my ears. I wonder if I am making any sense at all.

I knew this part of the evening would bring dis-ease.  I’ve never been comfortable with self-promotion and gregariousness in general. How much can I rely on my friend to hold up the conversations? If I could just find one or two kind souls to talk to me until it’s OK to leave. My friend gently but insistently puts me in the limelight.  He is not afraid to tout my writing, why am I? Will this ever get easier?

My mind churns sluggishly as I absorb the names, words and key information about individuals I encounter. I meet them one or two at a time thankfully and the name tags name taghelp.  As I meet someone new and my brain processes their name and game, they ask me to tell my story or they utter the inevitable, What do you do? 

Me?, I get flustered at functions with strategic mingling.

Shit, everyone is trading business cards like observations about the weather.  They seem so adept and natural at this game. I am so not.  I dig out cards one by one and have to explain the mediator title on my card.  I have the qualifications to be a mediator but have never actually practiced.  Intuitively, I know mediation is not my calling but explaining this to strangers feels flakey. Note to self: get new cards.

Introvert Winning! How We Work the Room

There are beautiful listeners in the crowd.  The listen with their ears and eyes. I gravitate toward them.  I want to be them.  Listening is so easy and natural for me.  Speaking succinctly and cohesively in large chunks is difficult. It helps if I share a story  — a short one about something meaningful, preferably one with an eye twinkling finish.

It’s also easy for me to ask questions.  I love to ask questions.  I always want to know people on a deeper level, so curiosity nudges me to inquire about someone’s favorite moment or how they felt when such and such happened. I then employ my freakin’ amazing head -nodding, eye-contact maintaining, word absorbing, skills as they answer. The questions usually generate a nice flow of back and forth banter that satisfies my need for connection as well as the other person’s desire to talk about themselves and be deeply heard. Win-win.

I am so grateful for those who draw me out by asking me questions or who find me a kindred spirit because small talk anesthetizes their brains too.

I like to attend networking events with someone who is a conversation initiator and who won’t let me become part of the woodwork. Tonight my friend introduces me to those he knows and asks me easy questions in front of them.  He points out my applicable experience or strength when it fits in the dialogue. He’s equal parts introvert and extrovert so understands my tendencies but also has the chutzpah to lead conversations. Every introvert should have such a friend at a party/event. Rent-an-ambivert.;)

Introvert Dreaming

I made it through the evening without retreating to the ladies room once. Sometimes that closed bathroom stall is a necessary breather and momentary happy place. Tonight, I gently re-entered the arena of professional connecting and survived.  I believe with practice my comfort level will grow.  Maybe I’ll host a networking event at my house, give a speech and ask people to subscribe to my blog.  Bahahaha!  Ok… it could happen.

How are you at professional mingling? Do you have a strength? A weakness? Would you rather network or have your nose-hairs plucked? 

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Permission to be Vulnerable = Permission to Awaken = Permission to Evolve

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I was seven years old when Elvis died.  My young, but romantically faceted inner-world Elviscontemplativeturned this news into a melancholy fantasy where Elvis was my husband and I was in mourning.  Upstairs in my mother’s bedroom , I stood before the mirror that hung above her dresser.  I pulled out a hairbrush and brushed my hair while pretend-crying and lamenting, Oh Elvis, Elvis.  I miss you already. I loved you…

I had no idea my little sister was watching this daydream come to life.

She had a ball telling my parents about the scene. I remember the laughing and ribbing. I remember my cheeks pinking up. I understand it was a hilarious scene, much too rich to leave alone, but from that experience and countless others, I learned to be very careful how I express myself. I learned it was not safe to expose yourself to judgment. You should hide any weak, soft feelings or behavior. Such emotions and gestures make you easy prey.

Wanted: A Safe Space
Before age 38, I had never felt complete acceptance and safety anywhere except with my grandparents. I had good friends. I had parents who loved me. I had a husband who loved me. But they were all cocooning their own vulnerability.  They were busy being strong and confident. With them, I had to be strong and confident too.
I felt unconditional love from Grandma.  I told her my deepest fears at 10 years old and she didn’t laugh or belittle. She just loved me in her soft, tender way.
people cryAt 38, I knew intuitively I needed openness and kindness.  I needed a circle of softness.  A safe space.  I believe I knew for years prior to that, but had no idea how to craft or create that kind of home. I only knew how to climb, achieve and fit in.
The Reflecting Tribe
I consciously gathered gentle souls — artists, musicians, writers, therapists, those whose eyes held twinkles, sadness and kindness. I pro-actively took lessons, joined classes and visited venues where the courageous, creative and emotionally accessible hung out. Music schools, bookstores, writing and dance classes, social services volunteering…
I remember sitting around a kitchen table with new-ish writing friends and feeling the intoxicating freedom of mutual vulnerability. We were all a little broken and in various broken_lockstages of learning and healing. We were all looking for a place where we could remove our masks of false bravado.
Lightness of being.
Acceptance.
In that place I WANTED to share.  I couldn’t stop myself from sharing what had been locked down forever.
I moved from a world where mistakes were pointed out and right was better than kind, to a space where support was palpable and stories resonated.  Head nodding abounded.  My spirit soared.  It was easy to dream and feel grateful in that space. I wanted to spread that feeling, that spaciousness, but felt stunted in my regular world.
My day-to-day family life required all of us to have our shit together. No slipping, no falling short, no showing weakness.
You don’t want to be easy prey.
I don’t believe anyone in my house felt safe enough to be vulnerable. There was always a little sister watching and waiting to tell the story of our soft spots. Fear was in the ether of our home. We kept breathing it in and spewing it out. We couldn’t get it out of our pores.
manwalkingawaywomanforefrontUntil we broke open. Until we decided to end the cycle by ending the family as we knew it, thus, making us all vulnerable.
The Yin and Yang of Vulnerability
Life after divorce feels a little naked,  unprotected and separated from the herd. It’s scary at times but I see hints of learning and healing in my family.  Perhaps now WE can spread palpable support and understanding. Perhaps we will be the ones setting spirits aloft.

And I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, and creativity, of belonging, of love. ~ Brene Brown

Vulnerability expressed ignites the fuse of freedom in another. It’s a permission slip to imperfection.  It’s an exposed hand extended in inclement weather, reaching for warmth and providing it as well. It can be the catalyst for a life change. It is the source of the most profound connection.
Have you ever had your vulnerability mirrored? Have you ever let down your guard and found something extraordinary? Something hurtful?
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Introverts Are Not Misanthropes: We Love Specifically, Individually and Deeply

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eyecontact-landing

Life Coach Nancy Okerlund mentions in her newsletter, The Introvert Energizer, that introverts love specifically and individually.  An introvert is a person- to- person person. I’ll add that we love deeply as well. Our love is deliberate and thoughtful. We don’t give lots of people snippets of our attention.  We desire true connection with each person.  We meet people with our hearts out front, ready to receive and give beyond small talk.  I know extroverts do this too.  The difference is introverts may lose energy from the interactive stimulation and need to replenish it in solitude or quiet time. Extroverts thrive in the stimulation (to a point, of course).

Who Do You Think You Are Spending an Evening by Yourself?

I have my first evening to myself in 11 days. I curl up on the center cushion of the couch, pasta for one in front of me, Mad Men Season 5 Disk 3 in the DVD player.  I’m in introvert heaven, then my phone begins to buzz softly on the leather cushion next to me.  I turn it over and discover texts from two different significant people in my life.  I send thoughtful replies to both of them.  More buzzing.  Another friend reaches out via a text.  I read and respond. Meanwhile the two first texters have responded to my responses. As I read their messages a fourth important person joins in the text fest. Now I’m connecting madmensimultaneously but individually with four people I care about as the Mad Men menu screen taunts me with its episode selections and looping music. My heart wants to connect with these groovy people but it also wants to quell my desire for solitude.

Sure, I could tell them all that I have plans and need to sign off but telling people you are unavailable is so damn hard. They take it personally even though it has nothing to do with them (usually) and everything to do with your own need for space and recovery. I know many people who take pride in their constant availability. They make me feel selfish when I want to stuff my phone in a cupboard and leave the room. The truth is most of the time I don’t want to be cut off from people entirely.  I simply want to connect deeply at a manageable rate, preferably one at a time or simultaneously through writing.

Why Introverts Are In Demand Despite Their Penchant to Be Alone

Loners, if you catch them, are well worth the trouble. Not dulled by excess human contact, nor blasé or focused on your crotch while jabbering about themselves, loners are curious, vigilant, full of surprises. They do not cling. Separate wherever they go, awake or asleep, they shimmer with the iridescence of hidden things seldom seen. ~ Anneli Rufus, ‘Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto

Maybe it’s an element of mystery, maybe it’s because we listen and love specifically, maybe it’s simply that people want what they can’t have, but introverts are not often left to their own devices.

Independence is attractive.  Most introverts can entertain themselves, no problem. We want to work alone. This is contrary to what extroverts expect.  They don’t understand how we  joyously celebrate when we find out something has been cancelled and we have a night at home without plans.

Because of our inward focus we are able to pluck insight, intuition, light and grace from a secret place known only to us.  Given space to reflect we offer ideas discovered in our reveries. We can be stingy with our company but when you have our attention we are generous listeners.

We Want to Love You All but There Are So Many of You

Introverts process conversation, stimulation and relationships so deeply that it takes a lot out of us.  We want to be there 24/7 for our loved ones but our brains become white noise if there is too much to take in in the form of words, sounds, body language, sex, attention, activity, giving, receiving, etc. We want to focus on our beloved but the outside world calls as well. We want to focus on our inner world but the lover has other ideas. Our depth-seeking selves can only manage so many hearts and conversations.  If we spread ourselves too thin we pay for it in fuzzy-thinking and feelings of being overwhelmed. It’s very difficult to listen generously and respond thoughtfully in a rapid-fire manner to dozens of people.  We have to say no, which is stimulating and leaves us feeling guilty.

We Like People, Really

I ended up watching Mad Men an hour later than planned with frequent text interruptions. touchinghands I didn’t get near the renewing effect I would have had I watched without distractions in complete absorption. I didn’t get my thoughts knit together and my memories stored completely in a much needed eight hour sleep session either. I set those gifts to myself aside  because people and connecting are important. I know I have to recharge.  I know I have to say No sometimes but I also realize human connection is equally nourishing, especially if done specifically and deeply.

Are you a social introvert? How do you keep from drowning in a flood of social interactions?  

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Energy Envy and an Introvert Meltdown Curtailed:The Power of Having Your Sensitivity Valued

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I had a little meltdown today.  It had to do with old baggage about competition and insecurity.  I should have known it was coming.  I’ve been going 100 mph crying in cornerlately.  The primary reason: I’m prepping my house for sale.  Lots of organizing, cleaning, mess avoiding and workmen swarming. I’m stressed about timing  and frustrated because my creativity buzz is stymied.

Introverts and Competition Angst

When my friend announced he would be starting his own inspirational blog and asked for help coming up with a name, I cracked.  I felt a twinge of  darkness.  I was jealous of his energy and creative time, and with voice shaking told him so. Deep down I worried that he would surpass my abilities and lose respect for me. Yes I said it. I am sensitive to competition. I have lost too many times. Intellectually, I know there is more than enough love and success to go around but in my gut I cried.

Too Many Seasons of  Not Being Me

My friend, referring to my house selling obligations said, This is just a season.  It will pass.  I know he is right but I feel like I have watched many seasons pass with me lost in a barrage of doing the expected. I’ve spent seasons being flavorless and asleep. I’m awake now and I can’t bear to go through the motions without expressing myself somehow. Once again I feel my spirit dying in the name of the busy-life because I can’t manage my creative world and my day-to-day responsibilities.

Introverts and Energy Envyeggcracked

It’s hard to watch someone do with ease what you have struggled to do for years. I have to be mindful of my energy so I don’t get overwhelmed. I used to think of it as the introvert curse. It seems most people DO NOT have to watch their energy levels so diligently. They can barrel through the leg-work of an idea and hit the promotional and productivity road hard.

I can’t spread myself so thin. I’ll crack. My children will pay because my attention will be scanty and my patience will be short.  My emotions (the weepy/outburst kind) will surface unbidden. I have to be selective with my endeavors and follow them up with a good amount of restorative solitude.

It sucks but it is also a blessing.

I have to be judicious with my choices but those things I deem valuable I pursue with fierce attention. I may be pulled away by everyday interruptions but I always return. I cannot NOT seek further clarity.  My mind involuntarily absorbs information so keenly that it doesn’t stop until it’s reached meaning, beauty or some kind of personal evolution. This is definitely a blessing. This is why trite interactions (short phone calls, gossip, chickpeekingoutofeggsmall talk) are so energy zapping and meaningful ones are freakin’ exhilarating.

Vulnerability Sets Others Free

Admitting to my friend that I was jealous and a little frightened of his writing plans rendered the most incredible response. I’m not sure if it was the shaky voice or soft crying, but letting down my guard lifted him.  He said it made his heart sing.  Sing with freedom? Freedom to be real? He said he liked me more because of my vulnerability. He didn’t get defensive about his right to create or make me feel small for getting upset. He was genuinely appreciative of the safe space between us.  The space where we can have little meltdowns and not be judged. Wow. Meltdown avoided, empowerment in place.

Have you cracked lately? Do you get jealous of others’ energy and ability to self-promote? Does someone value your sensitivity?

If Introvert Meltdown… spoke to you then you may also love:

How To Be Lively, Energetic and Vibrant When Your True Nature Is Thoughtful, Introverted and Reticent (space2live)

There’s Nothing Wrong With You.  You’re an Introvert (space2live)

I’d Rather Not Compete with You: For Introverts or Anyone Who Prefers Excellence Over Dominance (space2live)

Beautifully High Standards: An Introvert Waxes About Online Dating, Deliciously Independent Partners and Slow Honest Intimacy

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couple against night sky

Being the introverted, freedom-loving woman I am, it would make sense that I celebrate single-hood and relish activities that are self-directed but I’ve found dating to be exciting and expansive as well. Oh sure, I’ve been involuntarily groped in a coffee-shop parking lot and forced to sit through unusually long cat stories (complete with pictures), but overall my dating experiences have been positive.

The very nature of dating centers on one-on-one communication.  I LOVE one-on-one communication. It lights me up, especially if we get past the weather, sports and networking stories.

Online Dating Works for the Introvert

Dating often starts with an online service.  This is perfect for the introvert.  People shopping from the comfort of your own home.  Match.com and E-Harmony make it possible to avoid joining a church, gym or single’s club in order to find someone.  Bye bye bar scene and socializing mixed with loud noise and beer farts. Online dating significantly lessens the chances of an awkward pairing such as a set up engineered by Aunt Maude.  You get to choose who strikes your fancy.  I’ve found it deliciously easy to figure out who among the Match.com crowd is an excellent communicator and introspective thinker.  If ‘good’ and ‘great’ are the extent of their adjective repertoire and the highlight of their life is attending a sporting event in a packed stadium, I’m out. Not that there is anything wrong with those traits.  I just know my spirit would wither in their presence.  I’m not their type either. They would fall asleep in their hot wings listening to me drone on about introversion and literary philosophers.

Even when I have selected my date I still get a small pang of doubt and small pools of perspiration when meeting for the first time.   Continue reading →

A Divorced Introvert: Evolving Not Dissolving Post-Breakup

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evolution cartoon girl

I didn’t fall apart during or after the divorce like everyone expected. I was worried as hell about how it would affect our children, scared to death about taking care of everything myself (how would I find the energy?) but ultimately not afraid to be alone.  I knew I was on my way.  I was doing what I needed to do in order to evolve, for all of us to evolve.

I believe that a marriage should not survive at the expense of its participants and that families evolve, not dissolve, as a result of divorce. ~ Tara Eisenhard, Relative Evolutions

The above quote from a space2live reader spoke to me. My sentiments exactly. I see my children grasping and growing and I feel myself transforming in a way I know I would not have if I would have stayed married. I’ve noticed a willingness to listen and re-think in my ex-husband as well.

This post is not an endorsement of or a recommendation to divorce. It is encouragement for those who have experienced the shake up of a broken marriage.

Divorce cracks you wide open so that a new soft-bodied animal can emerge, one who is open to learning, independence and empathy.

You Have to Fight to Evolve as an Introvert Post-Divorce

You have to rise from the ashes and:

1. Say this is not me.  I have to be true to myself.

2. Spearhead your existence.  Stop competing, find your natural bliss and take action.

3. Give yourself permission to say, I have to think about it. It’s OK to make decisions slowly.

4. Defend boundaries constantly. Protect your solitude and space.

5. Be OK with your unpopular or non-mainstream perspective.

6. Learn to live with less money, less time with your kids, less stability (for a while).

7. Do what you find meaningful rather than impressive.

8. Build relationships that feel right.

  Not Doing It the Extrovert Way This Time

In my marriage I followed.  I rushed.  I filled every second with doing. I squeezed myself into a pair of high-energy jeans that only truly fit every once in a while. End results were more important than what was developing inside me. I felt I was in competition for everything (often with my ex-husband), — best parent, lead conversationalist, quickest thinker, most in control, one who sacrifices and produces the most. Exhausting and inauthentic. I felt I was failing because I couldn’t keep up or compete.

It’s OK to Choose Your Happiness:  The World Will Benefit

…Based on massive evidence of fulfillment: When you choose your happiness, you become infinitely more productive, useful, and magnetic to those around you. You enable yourself to truly be of service. ~ Danielle LaPorte, Do Not Do Shit to Please Your Parents

You can do things because you love someone but not to please or appease them.  Not to be worthy in their eyes. If you aim for others’ approval or others’ abilities it will take away your spirit, your light, your curiosity. You will be a generic copy of yourself dressed in clothing picked out by other people. A Barbie with no soul or joy. Trust me, I know.

I’m not going to try to be like others this time around by doing and doing and focusing on achieving.  I am going to protect my solitude and listen to my internal guide. I am not going to rush my decisions or rush my children in order to accomplish oodles of achievements and activities.  I want them to taste learning and savor living long enough to notice their own values and inner voice. I want enough space for kindness to be easy and respect to be considered. I will explore this world with an open mind and heart.human-touch

I already feel infinitely more connected with myself and others. My children have commented that they feel closer to each of their parents now. I feel I add value to the world through my writing and relationships. I love encouraging others to embrace their introverted gifts.

I used to feel pushed or pulled through life, now I feel I am leading, scouting ahead to discover my full potential.

Oh, I regress and try to put on those skinny restrictive busy-jeans that our culture heralds as must haves.  I feel guilty when I need time to myself.  I get sucked into the achievement/productivity vortex. I forget to connect with my kids and instead dole out commands and criticism. I still worry about having enough energy but…

I am increasingly more at peace and content with my circumstances.

Are you evolving or dissolving? Have you had a life altering experience that helped you transform?

If you enjoyed,  A Divorced Introvert: Evolving Not Dissolving Post-Breakup, you may also like:

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Introverts Explained: Why We Love You But Need to Get Away From You

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Woman-walking-away-from-man umbrella

I am told our desire to get away from everyone every now and again and again is perplexing and sometimes painful to extroverts. They don’t understand how we could enjoy being alone, period. Even more confusing, we sometimes choose to be away from people we really like.

The truth is we see all people as stimulation and potential energy sucks. Sorry.  It doesn’t matter if you make us laugh until we wet our pants or we find you so attractive we agree to make babies with you (or at least practice). We will need a break from you.  We even need a break from other introverts, but speaking only for myself, not as often.

What Happens If We Don’t Get Our Space?

The other day I heard a fun-loving morning show radio host say she needs to be in the house alone often in order to be civil.  Having someone in another room of the same house isn’t good enough.  She can feel them there.  I loved that she said that because I am the same way.  Also, she’s a highly visible and outgoing personality, yet she still requires time to herself (completely) in order to carry on as a decent human being. Introverts are not all recluses hanging out in dusty homes with cats and classic books (not that there’s anything wrong with cats and classic books;). We get out and rock it, but then we need to withdraw from that buzz because if we don’t we will feel like an overdone steak, no life, no juice. Our minds will be zapped and cottony. Our speech may come out slowly with pauses between words. There may be tears or swearing or both.

We Don’t Mean to Hurt Your Feelings.  We Just Can’t Stand You Sometimes.

I’ve heard from readers and experienced it in my own life, extroverts miss us and feel lonely and rejected when we pull back from them. It’s like we take away their light.

It’s especially difficult for children.  I’ve seen my daughter’s friends question her relentlessly when she says she is going to play with her dolls after school instead of playing at the friend’s house. You mean you’d rather play alone than play with me? 

School is highly stimulating. Downtime afterwards energizes introverted kids. My daughter is primarily an extrovert but she is sensitive and needs quiet time as well.  She jabbers and narrates as she writes, plays on her iPod Touch, and fixes herself a bagel.  She thinks out loud.  Sometimes I ask her to think in her head (so that I don’t lose my mind).  I ask her very gently but I still see the hurt in her eyes.

That hurt is there in adults’ eyes too. They don’t understand how one day we can spend every waking moment with them working, conversing, giggling, lightinsidewomanbywatercreating, smooching, etc. and the next we want to watch Downton Abbey by ourselves. They want more of the high-energy or deep listening us, but unfortunately that fun dear girl or guy can grow fangs or grow weepy if pushed to be out-going and devoted for too long.

Our brains process everything so deeply it’s tiring. We need time to live in our inner world. We need to recoup bubbly energy by visiting our thoughts, creativity and feelings. We need to go internal in order to express ourselves generously externally.  Solitude expands us (and everyone really). It makes space within us so that we can take in more from the outside.

It’s Not You.  It’s Us.

My best advice, don’t take it personally.  It is most likely not about you (if you’ve been approved as a friend and we’ve shared at least one deep and meaningful late night talk). All we ask is that you don’t make us feel bad for needing space.  If we work up the courage to ask for it, please respect our request. It is vital to our well-being.

Do introverts puzzle you? Have you ever been hurt by an introvert’s need for space? Do extroverts drive you nutty sometimes? 

If you found, Introverts Explained: Why We Love You But Need to Get Away From You enlightening, you may also love:

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In Love With Possibilities, Beholden to Reality

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daydreaming-girl

I am an introverted Pisces dreamer big-picture kind of woman.  I could while away hours daydreaming about traveling in foreign lands, meeting a beguiling stranger on a midnight train, writing a bestseller and championing lost souls.

I am most content when I am available to possibilities.

Possibilities in Love

Deeply Single: A state of perceiving the benefits of aloneness and being single — of traveling, going to movies alone, feeling full of possibility. ~ Sasha Cagen, Quirkyalone

I volley back and forth between feeling self-directed and creatively independent and yearning for the ideal mate who shares my reveries and reaches for me in the night.

As I wrote in My Introverted Love Creed: If We Can’t be Magnificent and Independent Together, I’m OK Alone, I am fine by myself, even prefer it sometimes for its solitude and reflective properties. I often feel most alive and genuine when enveloped in solitude.  It is the space where I can make sense of all that befalls and has befallen me.  In that time of slowed activity and enriched mind, lessons are realized, imagination seeps in and possibilities dance with dreams.

Eventually, I find myself feeling full and content and want to share experiences with a partner.

Online dating blows my mind.  Too many possibilities. I sign onto a dating service and inevitably find both mis-fits and magnificents.  I enjoy the variety and options but it’s difficult for me to date casually for long. I get dating fatigue.  Too much correspondence and energy zinging out through my Macbook and iPhone.  I want the realness of an intimate relationship – the ability to love individually and expansively.

I am addicted to human connection of the deepest kind.  Physical, mental and spiritual connection. I love it all.  Touch me sensually, engage my mind and stir my soul.  I will open to you in the most natural and generous ways.  I will want to live in that realm indefinitely but reality always butts in. Energy levels will require me to recharge alone.  My children will need more loving attention. I will pull back so as not to get lost in you.  I will meet someone new with different possibilities.

Still there is the possibility of true love.  Two individuals coming together with their own lights within, not needing the other for happiness but wanting the magnified glow of two hearts and bodies. Sigh.

Possibilities in Becoming

At this place in my life I have choices.  Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? What do I want to dedicate myself to? How can I do the most good?

My children are my companions on this ride so their needs and enrichment are guideposts along the trek.  Even with their needs in mind, there are numerous possibilities for my trajectory.

I dream of putting a book together that comforts others and makes their existence lighter and sexier.  I have lofty thoughts of going back to school and obtaining a masters in counseling – so I can do more than listen to people and write to their feelings.  I want to actually help them feel good and whole on their own.

It’s so easy for me to imagine these outcomes but so difficult for me to take all the steps and do all the work necessary to achieve them.  I am daunted.  I am overwhelmed.  Many days I feel like I use all my energy to raise my children and manage household tasks.  I admire those industrious spirits who network effortlessly and continuously.  I don’t know how some people raise children and then stay up until the wee hours of the morning working on side-projects like book writing or website development.  I’m not sure if it’s my temperament — introverted —that holds me back or just plain fear.  I’m not afraid of doing the tasks.  I’m afraid of becoming exhausted, brain-dead and crabby.

I know to take little steps.  I am.  I know to surround myself with passionate loving people.  I do.  I know to evolve it’s up to me to move forward and embrace the possibilities. Sigh.

Are you always looking at the possibilities or are you content with what you have? Are you evolving or settling?

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