Power Tools and Empowerment: Every Day a Little Bit Stronger

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Doesn’t happen overnight but you turn around

And a month’s gone by and you realize you haven’t cried

… I’m busy getting str0nger

~ Sara Evans, A Little Bit Stronger

You’re not helpless!  My mom would say when I hesitated or balked about doing something intimidating to me, like mowing the lawn. Despite her affirmation, I questioned in the tiniest corner of my mind if perhaps I WAS helpless, unable to do important, practical things on my own.

I believe it would be more accurate to say I was afraid of not doing the task well or afraid of criticism for being UNSURE of HOW to do it. I felt the same way about mopping the floors at Kentucky Fried Chicken (first job).  The girls who worked in the back for the night were expected to mop the cooking and packaging area at closing.  I always felt awkward managing the sloshing bucket, industrial mop and grease-caked tile. I’m sure I would have become better with practice, but I’m sorry to say, I took the easy way out. I batted my eyes and got one of the guys to do it for me.

I’m Not Helpless. I’m Married.

Despite my success in college and fearlessness when it came to meeting new people and exploring new places, I felt I needed someone to do the things I was not comfortable with, like: financial planning, home maintenance, intellectual jousting and taking charge. Enter my soon-to-be former husband, a powerhouse recruit.  He fulfilled all of the requirements and he was cute;) I admired his confidence. I was grateful for his expertise. I did not have to worry about getting things done.  I had him on my team. Wink, wink, would you mop the floor for me?

I focused on setting up a home, bonding with family and children, cooking, staying in shape and making friends. My areas of expertise were soft and nebulous rather than authoritative  and defined.

Eventually I felt powerless next to the powerhouse. I never felt in charge.

I am not putting blame on my ex-husband for my feelings of weakness. I handed over the keys and eagerly sat in the passenger seat for a long time.

Single and Stronger

It’s been about four months since my husband moved out.  I do intimidating tasks every day.

I hesitate before I sign-on to my online brokerage account.  I balk before I sit down and figure out why the printer/laptop/internet isn’t working.  I cringe when I make housing decisions.  I get anxious when I lay down the law with the kids. I worry that I am not on budget.  I am both Mom and Dad, head of household, single woman and ex-spouse. And every day I’m a little bit stronger.

It turns out I have a fairly defined independent streak.  Most of my strength and energy comes from inside.  There is a steady stream of light, ideas and feelings to draw from when my external bravery wavers.  I discovered all this while crying in the shower and conducting 4AM rap sessions with myself.

Work With Me Here

The better I knew myself the easier it was to attract like-minded people. Eventually amorphous strengths (rich internal life, appreciation of beauty, curiosity, independent thinking) gained value in my eyes.  I learned I wasn’t alone in my perceived weaknesses (lack of authority, need for solitude, fear of overload). Others have the same hesitations. I don’t see them as helpless.

I have so many remarkable friends, family, contacts, resources, etc. to help with tasks I can’t manage by myself.  They work with me instead of doing everything for me. I do my best to lend them my strength when needed.

The other day a friend came over to help me with some work around the house.  He brought his power tools.  As we walked down the stairs, I asked him if he was going to use the drill to put everything together. He said, No I’m going to have YOU use the drill. I did. I didn’t hesitate. I could feel his confidence in me. I didn’t feel helpless at all. I felt empowered.

What is your strength story?  Are you stronger than you used to be? What made you pull yourself up by your bootstraps?

Introverts Do It Passionately and Creatively: How It’s Possible to Love Solitude and Be Popular

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“Susan Cain is a closet extrovert.” 

— Unknown

So read the juvenile and snarky comment on introvert author and champion, Susan Cain’s blog. Susan’s heavy presence in the media (TED Talks, NPR, morning shows) during her book promotion (Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking) made it seem like she thrived in the limelight and fed off constant interaction, much like an extrovert.  Still, I resented the insinuation that it is impossible to be popular, engaging, passionate and an introvert.

I know many who are drawn to solitude but are frequently sought out for coffee, dinner, roller derby, pillow talk, etc. Introverts are in demand. They are rarely lonely not only because they enjoy their own company but because others do as well.

Why do those who cherish alone time often have many friends and invitations?

Perhaps it’s a simple case of supply and demand.  Introverts love large swathes of free time.  Time with no plans except enjoying their own company — listening to music, reading, watching meaningful movies, meditating, writing, painting, resting, investigating life in-depth.  Securing and making time alone a priority leaves less time for socializing. Therefore any time available for interacting is precious. And anything precious is a must have.

Energized and Energizing

Why do some introverts seem like extroverts? Besides the pressure many of us feel to be outgoing and gregarious (the American way), there are other reasons why introverts exhibit extroverted energy.

Introverts love to go deep into subjects or work they find meaningful.  According to Susan Cain and Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, these core personal projects or passions allow an introvert to display extroverted abilities, such as large-scale socializing, public speaking or unbridled enthusiasm.  Valued work gives us purpose and energy via an intense connection with our feelings and impressions. Our imagination and intuition are tapped and spill out in the form of ideas and inspiration.  We are internally energized but in turn energize others with our passion, drive and excitement. We all know people who glow with energy and light.  We want to be with them. Want to feed off their buzz.

I’m sure this is the energy and enthusiasm Susan Cain demonstrated as she eagerly promoted the work she had dedicated seven years of her life to.  She wanted to help/support/empower other introspectives.  The value she found in this mission gave her energy and strength to chat away the days with talk show hosts and sign endless copies of her book.

My bet is that she returned home or to her hotel room at night and collapsed.  As exciting as her mission was, a key trait of introverts is to recharge in solitude.

Creativity and Community

Introverts are often thought of as disconnected or remote.  But there is something that bridges contemplative folks with their community.  Creativity.

True, introverts like to spend time in stillness without interruptions and hoards of people. But what do they do in this stillness?  Connect with themselves.  Find clarity regarding personal issues they are navigating. Go into a state of flow where ideas, feelings and associations come together to resolve conflict, reveal beauty or simply provide renewal.

Quite often these times of stillness produce creations that are helpful and valued by the community. Perhaps the  purpose of creating is not to express ourselves but to connect? Picture a road-weary truck driver who practices guitar at night in his cab and eventually becomes the truck-stop entertainment.  Or a broken-hearted baker who heals herself by silently kneading and rolling dough into the most delicate pastries.  Creativity, of course, does not always stem from sorrow. Imagine a blissful painter who spends hours alone in her studio caressing canvas with soft brush strokes. Or a dedicated psychiatrist who spends years researching and publishing the causes and treatment of catatonic schizophrenia. All of these scenarios ultimately provide gifts to the community.

Take a minute to recall how alive you feel after seeing an incredible movie or hearing an evocative song.

Creators are inspiring. They pique our interest.  They give us permission to expand beyond our daily ho-hum.  They display courage in their originality. They provide solutions. They make us feel less alone.

No wonder others want to know them, spend time with them and be like them.

There is also research suggesting that creativity is based on in-depth immersion in a topic AND collaborative interaction (Keith Sawyer, Does Solitude Enhance Creativity? A Critique of Susan Cain’s Attack on Collaboration).  Space for both introverts and extroverts to shine and work together for the greater good.  Another reason introverts are in demand.

Of course, extroverts are creative too but the purpose of this post is to show how introverts find popularity despite their penchant for alone time.

Introverts aren’t all disconnected loners. Many are quite popular. Some are even confused for extroverts.

Know any popular introverts? Why do you enjoy hanging out with an introvert?

If you liked this post, you might also like:

What’s Wonderful? Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking -space2live

Introverts and Creativity: A Critique of Susan Cain’s Argument - Professor Michael Roberto’s Blog

Gifts, Connections & Community (Part 2) - Keith Jennings Wandering and Wondering the Creative

**There is a new temperament title that is gaining notoriety.  The ambivert.  An ambivert is someone who falls basically dead center in the introvert-extrovert continuum.  Anyone know someone who may qualify as an ambivert?  Some days I wonder if I am more of an ambivert than an introvert.

The Power of Poetry: Helping Us Heal, Feel and Transition

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I taped Jorge Luis Borges’s poem, You Learn, to the wall above my desk. It’s helping me through the married to not married transition. It whispers messages about love and endurance when I need them. Often my eyes drift to the poem and gently land on a line or stanza…

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers…

Like a prayer or mantra the poem works its way into my consciousness and nurtures me from the inside out.

Where We Turn in Crisis

We often discover poetry during a crisis. When we are most vulnerable.  When we are willing to let beautiful expression and resonance tap the soft spot where we bleed and heal. Poetic imagery helps us understand through sensations and feelings rather than a gathering of knowledge.  It soothes our inner world with artistic light and universal meaning.

Let us not forget that music is poetry. Song lyrics speak to us like intimate friends. Melody puts its arm around us and walks us forward. Singing shifts us little by little from victim to survivor. From being alone to being one with all.

 Poetic Ritual and Writing: Keeping Us Sharp and Satisfied

Poetic verse is not passive.  It engages us and makes us discern, ponder and investigate.  It turns our focus inward and then outward.  How is this me?  How is this everyone?  For this reason poetry writing is as valuable as Sudoku, crossword puzzles and reading in the battle to maintain mental acuity. In the article, A Mad Obsession: Poetry on the Brain by Cynthia R. Green, Dr. Milton Ehrlich is mentioned for his late-in-life passion for crafting poetry.  Ehrlich began his sincere poetry writing at the tender young age of 70, when he transitioned from working full-time as a psychologist to working part-time. Dr. Ehrlich is now 80 and has published three books of poetry. He writes about wisdom earned from experience and the conflict and comfort found while exploring our inner psychic worlds.

I am always working on a poem and seem to crank out a new poem almost every week. I think about it all the time. Some would call it a mad obsession.  ~ Dr. Milton Ehrlich

I myself spent a year reading and writing Haiku poems. I stumbled upon a beautiful little book called, Haiku Mind and was hooked.  I made it a ritual every morning to compose one of these small wonders.  I loved capturing the birth and death of a moment in a set of syllables organized in a simple 5-7-5 pattern.  Stripping everything away but the seed of truth, which showed itself with a tiny burst of light. I highly recommend the practice. Note to self: reinstitute haiku habit.

Poetry in Education

I remember learning the technical aspects of poetry in school. Iambic pentameter, rhyme scheme, 5-7-5 syllable  structure.  I memorized and recited a rather long poem in sixth grade about getting a haircut and washing your car.  I vaguely recall it being humorous. I have no recollection of how I felt when I read the poem other than I was proud of my memorization skills. I have no residual feelings of attachment to the words or message.  What a shame.  I wish I would have chosen a poem I was so drawn to that I had no choice but to learn it by heart.

In The Sun Magazine’s article, Written on the Bones: Kim Rosen on Reclaiming The Ancient Power of Poetry, poetry therapist (healer?), Kim Rosen, says memorizing a poem is more like conquering it than entering into a relationship with it. Learning by heart denotes a willingness to be moved and changed. She says no one told her in school that poems were conscious-altering substances. No one told her rhythm could free her mind, alliteration could allow her feelings to flow and rhyme could crack open her thought patterns.

Perhaps this is exactly what children need to be taught in school. Surrender your pride and allow yourself to be moved, changed and healed.  The willingness experienced will carry you through life’s crises. Openness will expose you to beauty and opportunities you will never see with a memorization-muddled mind.

I know of a boy closing in on the final days of a three-year chemo regiment for ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia ). His body and spirit are weary but he’s made it. Six weeks ago his 6th grade Language Arts class did a poetry unit. Kids were assigned a poem to read and answer questions about.  This boy read the poem, Another Mountain by Abiodun Oyewole. The final lines in the poem are, But my wings only work, after I’ve climbed a mountain. Instead of stuffing this poem in his crammed backpack and forgetting about it like most kids did, he took it home and shared it with his mom and instead of putting it in the recycle bin after that, he folded it neatly and put it the important papers file.

You Learn

I take Jorge Luis Borges’s poem, You Learn, to heart.  I grant it access to my subconscious and spirit. Every day it seeps in and guides me through this time of transition. It teaches me how to tap into vulnerability and heal the wounded spots. It teaches and I learn.

Where do you experience poetry?

In music? Within your faith? At poetry slams?

Has poetry ever helped you heal?

If you enjoyed The Power of Poetry then you may also like:

JFK Eulogy for Robert Frost – Los Angeles Times

The Journey – Mary Oliver

The Invitation – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Blossom or Hibernate? In Love and Work, When Is It Right to Start Anew? – Space2live

Spirit of Summer – Space2live archives

Halfway Home: Somewhere Between Building a Home and Feeling at Home

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You strive, struggle and sacrifice to build a home.  To create a structure for your life that includes a home base.  But, do you feel at home?  Do you  breathe freely, laugh easily and love openly?

Remember What It Feels Like to Be At Home?

One of the places I always return to for comfort is my hometown.  The small community where my parents reside is where I go to rest.  I can return to my country-girl ways in a space where my parents and their respective homes insulate me from the hectic and hustling reality of my life in Minnesota.  People are busy in my hometown but as a former resident and visitor I look upon the town with both nostalgia and an outsider’s distance. I am blissfully free to enjoy the positive memories and ignore the fact that things are not as simple as they used to be.

I note that none of my parents has a dishwasher.  Dishes are done almost without thought as conversations are carried on simultaneously. I see that my dad’s acreage requires a lot of lawn mowing but it’s also a haven for stillness and quiet. I do not eat gourmet dishes, organic produce or sushi when I am at ‘home’.  I enjoy the foods I grew up with — roasts, potatoes, burgers, pizza, canned vegetables.  Enormously satisfying but even more so as they are often served with kitchen table teasing and revelations.  We’ve long since discovered and poked the vulnerabilities of each family member so now there is just simmering acceptance and mutual understanding for each person’s plight.  A little ribbing is OK because we are home where it is safe. I want this for my children.

Untethered Suburban Vagabonds

Nowadays home is where our stuff is.  It’s where we crash at night when all the doing, building and running is done.  It’s where we do laundry, comb cyber-space and try to eat a few meals together. So much of life is carried out outside of the home.  Work, school, and our cars vie for the title of, Most Time Spent Here. We almost always have one foot out the door. And even if we get a few glorious hours at home, our hearts and minds are preoccupied with emails, weekly schedules and what’s next?

Remember when Sundays were sacred?  Stores were closed and church was the only acceptable activity outside the home.  Big midday meals were common and the pace was slow.  Homes glowed with quiet reflection and animated chatter.  Savory smells drew family members to the table and there were few to no worries about the phone ringing and interrupting the flow of enjoyment.

I am consciously working to create a home-like aura for my kids.  It’s not easy.  Their time is divided between two homes.  I ache when I think about the chasm they must feel beneath them when they transition from one house to the next.  I do know that when they land at my or their father’s house they are embraced and blessed with deep and true attempts to listen and be present.  We both want our houses to be their homes. Which is better than when we spent much time creating the appearance of a nice house and home but never really felt at ease or enjoyed it.  I am not saying we are perfect now. School, work, technology and tender egos pull at us but we’ve learned outside distractions must be silenced every once in a while in order to feel at home, to genuinely connect. We have to invite the stillness, make eye-contact over burgers, do the dishes together.

Why It’s So Hard to Feel At Home With Ourselves

We rarely get to go internal.  There is so little solitude or slowing down in our lives.  Space to delve into our own essence, story, dreams.  If we do not know our centers then we are never sincerely at home.  We need to know that space we can return to again and again for comfort and strength.  Once we’ve spent some time digging around in the basement or sun room of our soul we are ready to open doors and windows to let others in — provided we want them as guests or residents.

I Feel So At Home With You

You know that lovely sensation of being able to lower your guard.  Recognizing in another a semblance of something from your past or from your heart. It’s comfortable but not in an old sagging couch way.  You know they won’t judge you harshly because they know where you come from.  Like you, they have spent time thrashing around their own attic and know where both the cobwebs and valuable antiques live.  They are ready to curl up with you by the hearth and get lost in warm honesty.

Make It Home

It’s easy to wander around feeling home-less in this day and age.  There is little to ground us. We abandon our homes on Sundays to attend kids’ sporting events or  run to Target for toothpaste. Most things encourage us to flit around like birds without nests.  But we need to cocoon our well-being by saying no to disconnecting activities. We need a place where we connect with ourselves.  We need this so we can venture away from home but know there is peace to return to. We carry that peace with us and use it as a welcome mat to invite others in.

Home maintenance will do its best to erode time we could be spending loving and listening within our safe space. Obligations and pleasure will draw us away from home (often). May you make it back to the place where you breathe freely, laugh easily and love openly.

Do you spend more time building or maintaining your home than living in it?

Where do you feel at home?  Who makes you feel at home?

Music and Home:

Jason Mraz Halfway Home

Miranda Lambert The House That Built Me

Surviving Without Elite Status: Introducing Mindfulness To Kids Used to Materialism and Competition

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I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through the first three days of our vacation. My children bickered and battled for that damn elusive and short-lived nirvana —  Mom’s full attention. They reminded me of drowning people climbing on each other in order to keep their head on top. They griped about having to fly American instead of Delta, not getting to stand in the elite status line and being shut out of the frequent flyer clubroom. It was our first vacation without my (ex)husband and his elite flyer status.

Flying Solo

I already felt guilt and sadness about upending life as they knew it.  The divorce was not finalized yet and the turbulence was evident in their faces and demeanor.  And now I was asking them to fly like commoners.;)

I was nervous about navigating the airports with luggage and children who tend to wander off.  I prayed I had enough energy for action and activities to ensure the kids a good time.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to sit by each of them on the plane.  I wouldn’t be able to take them parasailing/jet-skiing because I couldn’t possibly be with all of them to keep them safe.  I was going to have to say No more than usual and I hoped they wouldn’t take it to heart.

I wanted desperately to prove how happiness does not come from expensive perks but from meaningful experiences. It seemed like I was not going to get a chance to even show them the possibilities. They were dead set on being pissy and dissatisfied.  It’s hard to like people when they are negative and close minded.  I needed emergency life-giving introvert space from them but instead I had to stay close and ON. There was no backup parent or caregiver.  Just me and my high hopes for camaraderie and inside-joke making memories. The only thing I had going for me was a bathroom to myself where I could scream into a towel and a happiness book by Goldie Hawn called 10 Mindful Minutes.

Goldie Hawn and Mindfulness

10 Mindful Minutes is about giving ourselves and our kids resources and skills to reduce social and emotional stress and anxiety.  The two main tools are mindful breathing and sense awareness. The book is packed with studies and research that point to the importance of teaching kids to calm themselves before their emotional (limbic) brain hijacks their ability to think clearly and make good decisions (activities of the pre-frontal cortex). 10 Mindful Minutes also places a huge emphasis on kindness and empathy for well-being.

Determined to create some kind of harmony in our rented condo, I turned to guidelines in the book. I asked my kids one morning if they would give me ten minutes of their time.  Cue moaning, groaning and Mom, none of that hippie stuff works.  Eventually, my oldest (12 year-old boy) and youngest (8 year-old girl) made their way to the impractical glass table.  My middle son abstained. I talked to them about mindful breathing and had them take a few breaths with their hand on their belly.  They thought it was unnatural to have their belly rise with the inhale.  I told them to do their best.  They breathed like asthmatic fish-out-of-water with mouths gaping and exaggerated wheezing. Giggles followed. I expected this. I then had them gently close their eyes and focus on their breath for three minutes (time suggested in the book).  I told them to notice their thoughts but then return to their breath.  After a minute they wanted to know how much time was left.  Just like a timed test when the teacher reminds you every minute of how little time you have left.  I told them to keep breathing with their eyes closed.  I would tell them when it had been three minutes.  They made it to the end.

Then I pulled out Hershey’s chocolate kisses.  Suddenly, my middle son was at my elbow.  He wanted to participate now. I had them each hold the kiss in their hand with the wrapper on.  I had them turn it over and notice every detail.  Then I had them unwrap it and do the same.  I asked them to smell the chocolate. Then I had them place the chocolate on their tongue but not eat it.  Finally, I let them taste and eat the candy… slowly.  I told them to savor the rich creamy chocolate. I told them this was mindful eating and sense awareness. I explained how breathing and awareness of the senses can help calm their brain before they react in negative ways.

Smooth Landing

I’d love to say everything was hunky-dory after that but there were still bumps and hurt feelings. We inched our way out of the agitated, hyper-vigilant, habituated cycle of reactivity.  Day four of our vacation seemed elongated and rhythmic; like our brain waves and time were stretched in a pleasing yogic manner. Our egos spread and dissipated under the warm sun and languid schedule. Being away from technology and our daily expectations allowed us to uncoil.  It just took a while.

We ended up spending hours at the beach jumping waves and flying kites. We met with friends and enjoyed their company and camaraderie.  We played tether ball like Napoleon Dynamite (weak kicks, mouth-breathing and use of the words Geez and ‘Fricken’) and by only using our feet. We ate from little boxes of frosted cereal in the morning and made hot dogs wrapped in crescent rolls for dinner.  Food we never eat at home. At night we looked forward to crawling into the biggest bed and watching episodes of Friends.  The kids still fought over who got to be next to me but in general there was less competition and more cooperation.

Our condo was borderline dumpy.  Everything needed to be repainted, the kitchen sink leaked and the pullout couch was crummy.  But… the location was great and everything worked.  I learned to cook with one pan, a small skillet and no cookie sheets.  I used the quarter laundry machines down the hall.  This was no Ritz Carlton but it felt good enough.  It was not expensive but no one complained and we had no problem coming up with memories and inside jokes to write down in the travel journal on the way home.

How do you introduce calm and harmony into your environment?

How could the elimination of some luxuries change the way you live for the better?

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More Than a Mom-Droid:Letting Children See Your Soul

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It’s important to me that my kids realize I am a woman with depth and not just a Mom-droid. I do my best to remind them of my humanity by weaving stories of my childhood with their present-day preoccupations. I’ve told them how I once lived and dreamed all on my own in Chicago. They’ve seen me fall apart when I’ve had too many days without me time. Yet, there are days when I feel insignificant because they look at me and see an automaton with spending abilities, cooking skills and a driver’s license.

Conversely, I study their psyches and souls with intensity. I constantly puzzle over and decipher their emotions. I am invested in the well-being of my children. I believe in the power of meaningful parent/child relationships. I believe they are built on a mutual honoring of our spirits and steadfast championing rather than schedule maintenance, homework policing and suburban schlepping.

Moms Are People Too

Moms are women in the midst of self-actualizing. It is incredible easy to become immersed in the lives of our children. Moms disappear every day.  It doesn’t have to be that way.

How to Show Your Soul

Chase your calling:  Don’t be afraid to say your dreams out loud. It’s a lesson in self-care for them to see you creating space for your beloved activities. Let them catch you investing blood, sweat and tears in something you can’t not do.  I’m not suggesting neglect.  I’m suggesting living with a  bright and full heart in front of your kids.  Share a sense of autonomy and fulfillment with your children.

Express Awe: It’s healthy for children to hear you sigh over something that takes your breath away. Let them in on your moments of grace, flow, heaven. Spend slow un-rushed time in nature. Tell them at bedtime what made you light up that day.  Don’t feel compelled to say something they did. You are a separate being.

Comfort your children but move them spiritually as well. Show them awe, curiosity and wonder.

Tell Stories: Nothing creates solidarity and empathy like personal stories.  My kids love hearing about how (poorly) I handled peer pressure as a girl in school. How my first kiss came to be.  What I did at my grandparents’ house in the summer.

I read blog posts from other writers to my children if they move me and I feel their stories are compelling and offer a worthwhile message. Some of their themes- Be different, not better. Creating because you love the work, not the result. Failing is part of success. Sometimes the kids’ attention drifts, and that’s OK.  I know I am asking for grown-up concentration.  I also know seeds planted, bloom later.

Be Vulnerable: It’s true kids need structure and a sense that they can depend on you, but an efficient machine is hard to warm up to.  Let down your guard. Admit mistakes.  A friend’s therapist told her that people with perfect parents are the ones she worries about the most.  They will never be able to live up to those standards. I lean toward the fallible side. My kids have seen me nervous, anxious, embarrassed and at the end of my rope. I am not proud of this.  Like most people, I’d rather present myself as strong and capable but my soft center oozes out occasionally.

Benefits of Being Soulful

Empathy: In Born for Love, neuroscientist and child psychiatrist, Bruce Perry, argues that fostering empathy can combat the negative influences of modern life.  We have learned to close ourselves off from the world with technology and busy-ness.   Spending time with open hearts and minds can re-generate bonds that enhance resonance, universal meaning, love.

I want my kids to cherish relationships and respect others. I want them to see me as a being with feelings. How can they see anyone else’s soul if they’ve only seen their mother speed through life with a taskmaster’s mentality and a status-quo blueprint for life?

Natural/Unique Thinking: It’s easy to follow the mechanical parenting herd. Just keep checking off tasks. But going beyond and deeper than what the book or your neighbor says, gives kids a beautiful, almost secret,view of living. Possibilities abound. Sharing and honesty transfers to education. Learning becomes a natural, insightful way of relating to subjects. Thoughtful questions lead to understanding beyond book material. There’s a freedom and safety in knowing others exist on a deeper level. It makes it OK to explore and express as an individual.

Awakening: By revealing my humanity to my children I believe they will have an easier time discovering and honoring their own souls. Good and bad feelings of the heart will guide them rather than robotic reflexes.

Do you feel like you are living mechanically?  How open are you with your kids?  What messages are you sending them?  

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Blossom or Hibernate? In Love and Work, When Is It Right To Start Anew?

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Is it OK to blossom now?  A question I ask myself every day and a question I imagine the trees and flowers are asking themselves now. March in Minnesota is usually snow-covered and grey-ish.  But this year June temperatures showed up in bright green shorts and flip flops while our coat closets were still sporting black parkas and mukluks.

A walk through the woods reveals trees and plants in various stages of bloom confusion. I can relate.

I’m between my old and new life.

Stay Close to Home or Venture Out?

I’m at the mouth of the cave where I hibernated for years as a married woman with children and homemaking ambitions. A few steps outside the cave is me as a divorced woman with children and career ambitions. My old cave served its purpose and gave me shelter and protection for years. I love that cave. But it’s time to wake up and move out.

So I’m stretching and pawing the ground. Looking for signs of life to guide me in this personal spring.  Which direction are my children headed?  What has their attention?  How to move forward with their well-being in mind? I must lead them in the best direction for ultimate survival, where they can grow healthy and strong.

There’s a fine line between their growth and mine. I am mindful of their needs and wants for closeness. I am mindful of my wants and needs to venture out.  I need space to roam and gather sustenance, both financially and spiritually.  They fight, fear and benefit from independence but don’t know it. We are all in bloom confusion.

I take steps toward writing dreams but often the chill of reality and responsibility snuffs out all the growth I make. Will I be stuck in this bud stage forever?

I mistakenly thought growth was effortless. It’s effortful. Every seedling must push through the soil…and sometimes the earth is cold and hard. Some days the struggle is all-consuming. It would be so easy to lay dormant.

Unlike nature, I have choices. I can strike out and struggle in search of my calling or I can carefully exist on what I have stored up. I’ve been existing carefully for years.  I’m mysteriously drawn to the struggle.

Love

I have choices in love too.  Stay wrapped tight in my cocoon of self-love and awareness or bloom openly and generously with another.  I’m satisfied with my single way of life.  I’m not a loner but I flower in solitude.  My brightest colors often appear when I am alone. Perhaps I should spend more time preparing for my debut.

Children and the cave keep me  busy and nourished. Adding love to the mix seems ambitious. Still… the warmth of a loving gaze draws me out.  What if love finds me, like sunshine finds green leaves?  How can I not move toward it? Even if it arrives early.

What It Takes To Bloom Magnificently

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The patience of nature.  Letting things unfold naturally.  Paying attention to conditions. One moment of rain drenched heavens.  One moment of sun soaked skies. I will bloom, blossom and grow. When the time is right.  Every day.

What nutrients do you need to bloom fully?  When was the last time you woke up and moved on?  Are you immersed in self-love and/or growing with someone else?

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Peak Experiences in Self-Actualization: Gifts That Transcend Your Head

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Decisions, frustrations, squirrel energy and caffeinated thoughts. I’ve been in my head too much lately. Check-lists and ringing phones have left my spirit mechanical and my soul longing for poetry, beauty and prose that flows. I wish for living that transcends the business end of it. Please Universe extend some humanity, some oneness, a sprinkle of stillness and a sense of awe.

Self-Actualization and Peak Experiences: What We Live For

Abraham Maslow included peak experiences in his list of characteristics of the self-actualized individual.  Self – actualization is the tippy top level of being on Maslow’s famous Hierarchy of Needs pyramid.*  A self-actualized person has all their basic needs for food, shelter, protection, belongingness and esteem satisfied and rises to an existence that includes the desire to self-fulfill or become everything that one is capable of becoming. Self-actualized individuals have a propensity for peak experiences; intense moments of joy, awe, wonder, oneness and ecstasy. Following such experiences the being is strengthened, renewed, inspired.

Have You Ever Had Your Breath Taken Away By…

Music: The purity of one note sung into the sun that originates in the earth rises through  bodies and rests in tears that spring from jaded eyes. Songs reminiscent of long ago scents, settings and the sideways smile of an old lover. Space between lyrics where souls wedge in and expand. Singing without thinking because you are in a good place.

Kindness: Love when there could be bitterness. A hand that reaches for yours when you are mired and distant in your own sadness. An offer of listening with no expectation of repayment. Selflessness that makes you want to be a better person.

Resonance: Stories that powerfully echo your own. To be known. Kinship based on common joy and suffering. Meeting the eyes of others and seeing yourself in them. A connection that makes you a little more brave, less alone.  Message received. I feel you. I am you.

The Humanities: Art, music, theater, philosophy, literature, history, religion. Clarity from the ether of imagination manifested into words, melodies, dialogue, prayers. Bold art that whispers to your heart. Literature that befriends and awakens. Weeping from beauty and catharsis. The human condition defined and transcended.

Empathy: A child sobs when he learns of the tormented life of another. Witnessing the belittling of another and never being the same again. An ache felt deeply for another. Raw compassion. What moves us to help.

Stillness: The hours in the morning before the house is up. God, the Universe, your inner voice or your imagination speaking through silence. The moments after you ask for help and the ones after it is received. The pause and quiet beneath the veneer of noise. Where peace and metaphors come from. A calm to be found within and without.

Nature: Retreating to the woods to feel small and infinite at the same time.  A non-judgmental sanctuary of light and silence. Hearing morning doves outside your bedroom window the day after your lover moved out. Feeling less alone. Watching with your children as a hawk circles and pierces the edgeless sky.

Thank you for allowing me to indulge in flow and awe.  To attempt to put into words the ineffable. To escape my clockwork mind.

I feel much more connected to myself and you.

What do you need to reconnect?  Tell me of a peak experience that changed you.   

*At least on the most commonly referred to versions of the pyramid.  Maslow later added a level about Self-Actualization he called Transcendence.

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